Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

The start of a new year is always frustrating to me in the sense that failure seems to loom. It’s those dreaded New Year’s resolutions. Ugh. Mine are similar each year but can never be fully accomplished in this life. And since my resolutions usually end up being a big list of things to do, it gets wearisome very quickly. And I give up. And feel failure.

But I read a blog by Ann Voskamp this week that I really liked in terms of New Year’s resolutions. It was simple, fresh, hopeful and practical. Her blog gave me a fresh perspective in looking at my goals. Instead of my resolutions being a list of things I want to conquer, this year I want to look bigger and see what God wants to do in and through me, specifically with the area of fear.

For too long, fear has been my close friend, especially fear of failure. For too long, I have been judging my success or failure by my ability to complete my to do list. For too long, I have stayed the safe route. For too long I have hung back when I should move forward.

So this year, I have a somewhat vague goal. Maybe it’s just a starting point for next year. Instead of having a checklist of goals, I want to be aware of where fear creeps in and paralyzes in various areas of my life: my relationship with God, with Joa, with others. My job, my choices, how I spend my time. Then I want to bring that fear to God and ask Him what He is going to do and what He wants me to do about it. I am sure after I am more aware of fear in those areas, I will want to make a checklist. But, in all my many checklist making days, I have learned that sometimes that just isn’t the answer. That God doesn’t work by checklists. A checklist to me means I can accomplish it, if I can just complete the checklist. It leaves God out of the picture. I need God for lasting growth and change. I need Him to step in. So I am cautiously happy about my New Year’s resolution.

Here is the link to Ann Voskamp’s blog: www.aholyexperience.com/2011/12/5-steps-to-making-new-years-resolutions-happen/

Adoption Angst

Depending on how you count, we have officially been on the adoption journey God has for us for four years in January, and waiting with our current agency for just a little over two years.

I must confess there are some days I just want to pull my hair out over all the waiting and lack of control and unknowns. There are so many ups and downs. It is much easier to just live life, and in some ways, tuck it away in the far recesses of my brain so the longing is not quite as cutting or raw. God has blessed me with much and I never want to take that for granted. I do have a very good life, just the way it is now.

But the longing is still there, and after what feels like a flurry of activity with our adoption agency the past two months – and yet still no results - I feel so discouraged. We have had two failed placements at this point. The last one was a few months ago.  We heard through a friend who heard through a friend about a very probable adoption of a 2 year old boy and a 8 month old girl. We pursued it and things looked very promising. Then suddenly the birth mom no longer returned calls. Grief once again – such a frustrating end.

And, believe me, we have explored ALL our adoption options. We have pursued all the options God has opened for us, and now we are locked into waiting exactly where God wants us waiting. There is nothing new to pursue to change the waiting.

So here we are waiting. It’s hard. Sometimes, in my desire to DO something, I wonder if I could just find that one thing that God wants me to learn, or connection He wants me to have to get to the adoption part. If I could only figure it out and get out of this waiting and longing and hoping. But I know He is not playing games with me, nor is He hiding the next step. His timing really is perfect. I choose to trust that.

Although I hate this waiting, everyone waits in different ways. God has used this in my life for growth and for a deeper awareness of walking by faith and trust. Something I struggle to do as an independent, self-sufficient American.

But it’s still hard. I think I am going to resist the urge to wrap this up in a neat, tidy bow. Yes, there is hope. Yes, God is working. But it’s hard. It’s okay to say that.

It’s still hard.

San Diego

I am back again. Maybe. It's been an interesting year and I hope to be more faithful about blogging. Thank you for sticking with me!

We went to San Diego for our 10th anniversary. It's not until December 15th but the ticket sales forced us to use them in November. So, happily, at the beginning of November, we went to San Diego for five glorious days.

We had not been on vacation, really, since our honeymoon. Well, let me clarify. We have taken many trips to Brazil, South Dakota, Kansas City and St. Louis to see family and friends. We took a weekend getaway each year. I guess what I should say is we had not been away together, just the two of us, for an extended time since our honeymoon. Because, honestly, as wonderful as it is with family and friends, that typically means little time together, even if you are always together. So, although I was grateful we had taken trips away, I just wanted Joa to myself.

This trip was glorious. Yes, San Diego was wonderful. It was easy to explore. It had a lot to do and see. And Joa loves the ocean so he was just happy to drive along the coast. It was a bit cold so all we could do was stick our toes in, and even that was a challenge. We road bikes, took naps and ate out. We went hiking. We went to LA for a day. We watched a few ocean sunsets. 

But what was most glorious about the trip was just the chance to reconnect. We didn't have any deep-solve-the-world-or-our-lives conversations, but we also didn't have a lot of distractions. We had fun. Joa ignored his phone for five days. We left our problems behind and lived carefree for five days. Every move was the chance for adventure and we embraced it wholeheartedly.

I came back with hope and renewal at our friendship, our partnership and our marriage. It's been a long season of adoption waiting, school pursuing, and goal accomplishing that makes satisfying time alone together a rarity.

Thank God for vacations. Thank God for time away, for renewed perspective and fun. Thank You, God, for time with each other filled with hope.

House: Part One of ?

I am finally back. It’s been about three months and that was the time when we bought our wonderful first house, only to discover within the first few days and have confirmed within the first month that our newly remodeled beautiful house needed about $20,000 worth of repairs on the foundation and the sewer line.

It’s been quite a journey. It was pretty tough there for a few months. We went through a range of emotions, a range of solutions, and finally sought a lawyer’s assistance. That is another whole story I don’t want to tell at this time.

But what God did spiritually in these last three months is a beautiful story I can’t help but share. It’s a story of redemption and restoration in our hearts, one that I would love to say for our house someday (and Lord willing, someday very soon). It did not come at a low price. But how often is something with little cost actually valuable?

There are many things He brought out of this situation, too many to share in one story. But two things that stand out to me are peace and thankfulness. For a girl who grew up and lived most of her life in fear and anxiety (without really realizing it), peace is a huge refreshment and thankfulness is a great bridge to that peace. The world will never be what I want it to be, my house will never be what I want it to be, my life will never be what I want it to be. Because I want perfection, and there is none on this earth. For so much of my life, I thought that only perfection could bring me the peace I longed for. And so I controlled and manipulated and fought for what I thought was perfection, so that I could be at peace. And 32 years of experience says this never brings peace, even when I get the circumstances I thought I wanted.

But God is working, always working. He is bigger than my circumstances and problems. I have peace in Him because He never changes. And because of that, there is a multitude of things I can be grateful for,  despite my gnawing circumstances that I have done all I can do about and yet are still unresolved. God is bigger than those circumstances, and He is my loving Father who wants to work in me what is best through them. They don’t have to cripple me emotionally or spiritually. God can use them to do the opposite, if I am surrendered.

So today I am thankful. I have a house with lights and air conditioning, I have a bed to sleep in, I have a husband who loves me, a dog who invites me to play with him and makes me laugh, friends who share life with me. I have food in the fridge. I don’t just have enough to eat for the next meal, but I have a variety of options to choose from. I have a backyard with comical and annoying squirrels that taunt our dog, but the backyard feels like retreat I can enjoy. I have a car I can drive that runs well. I have a job I can learn and grow at. And most of all, I have a God who I can always place my full hope and confidence in, who is always faithful.

There will always, always be problems in life but there will always be so much more I can be grateful for. God oversees all; the problems don’t overcome Him and His grace. And for that I am at peace and grateful for what He has given me.

Not So Harmless Unintentionality

Last week, a very sad thing happened. My computer crashed.

At first, I thought I just needed to restart it. So I did and there was progress until it froze. I restarted it again and it froze. This cycle continued about 10 times that morning. Finally, I started it in safe mode, and then did a system restore. I hoped it would be the answer to all my computer fears. But it wasn't. Being determined (and a bit helpless to know what else to do) I did this several more times. The next day I took the battery out and left it that was for awhile, hoping that would be the magic fix. No change. So while we wait to close on a house and have other expenses, I took some time to think about what we should do.

It's been a full week. I do have my computer but no internet. I have realized that the majority of my time at home alone, I have the laptop on and am using the internet. I love to listen to Adventures in Odyssey. I will never outgrow them. It's my routine when I come home from work and am making supper to have that on. There is also something to catch up on facebook or gmail. On nights that Joa works late, I catch up on our NBC shows or watch something on Netflix. The same is true as I fold laundry. My laptop, when teamed with our wonderful wireless internet, has been my constant companion.

So this week has been an odd week for me. I feel a bit limited and lacking without my internet resources. A bit exposed in the silence I used to delight in. Have I become afraid to be alone with myself? And have I become so accustomed to filling my time with noise that I have been missing things right in front of me?  

God is gently knocking at my heart. He is gentleman so He hasn't busted down the door. But I wonder, as much as I wished my computer had not crashed, is there a gift in this all? I always talk about writing more and think that God has placed that on my heart. But when I have internet, I seem to fill the time with everything but writing. Even now, I can turn my computer on in safe mode and write and still save. But I haven't. It's the one thing I always want to do but maybe am afraid to.

I am not lazy. Really. I know this. I grew up as an almost full-blooded German, Midwestern raised farmer's daughter. Sometimes I don't know how to relax unless everything on my list is accomplished. But what is interesting (or sad) is that I will sit down to do one needed thing on the internet and suddenly my morning or afternoon or day is gone. And I don't know what happened to it. I wasn't doing nothing. But I wasn't doing much of anything either.

It comes down to intentionally.  This theme is not new in my life. In many areas of my life, I have good hopes and dreams and plans. But if I am not intentional, time slips away and it is an hour, a week, a month, a year later and nothing has changed. God has given me all the time in the world for what He has for me. But do I take the time to see what He has for me?

Now, I don't need to be an extreme person. I don't have to give up having a computer and internet. But I do want to make some changes. To walk with God always takes intentionally. What would my life be like if every morning I was as consistent about spending time with Him as I am about checking email? What would my life be like if I was as quick to go to my Father as I was to email a friend about a concern?

In wanting to honor my new commitment to intentionality, I will end here.

P.S. I can still check my gmail on my iPod. :)

Ethan

For those of you who followed all the events of last year’s failed placement, today Ethan turns one. It is hard to believe it has been one year already. It is hard to believe yet one more year has flown by and the adoption agency has not called with another placement. Surely by now, I thought we would have a child. But if I got a nickel for every time I thought that on this adoption journey, we would have enough for a college fund for our someday child. 

Gratefully, I am not bitter. I am thankful to say that just like millions of other couples have survived and even thrived in situations like these, we have survived as well. And though my faith has wavered – questioning more what God has for us in general – God has kept it and continued to perfect it like He said He would (Hebrews 12:2). This date, like a few other select dates, I will remember for years to come. They were a special family to us and Ethan was a special baby that was almost ours to love. I am thankful he is with his birthmom and her parents who love him. I am not angry at her. I am not angry at God. I certainly wish we were celebrating with our own child(ren) but that is out of my control. 

I am also thankful for something special God has been doing. April is typically a hard month for me. My surgery four years ago was April 6^th, which that year was Good Friday. It was on that day that we found out the life changing news that we would not be able to have children. Every year that is a sad reminder for me and every year that we continue to be childless – despite our adoptions attempts and waiting – that date feels heavier and heavier. Last year, on April 12^th, Ethan was about to be born and I was so excited because I thought God was going to give us something to celebrate. Instead, we ended up with two losses to remember in April. 

This year He has done something a little different. This April we are in the process of buying a house. We made an offer on April 6^th and today – Ethan’s birthday – the inspection was done. It is in no way replacing or fulfilling the desire for children, though the anxiety and unknown does remind me of last year waiting for Ethan to be born. The morning we made the offer, I was transported back in time the year before when we were headed to Waco to meet this baby boy that at that time we thought would be ours. I had the same anxiety, the same feeling of this could really happen, or this could not. It would be April 14, 2010 two days later that we would walk out of the hospital sobbing and empty handed. I am still waiting to see what God does on April 14th this year. :) 

I still long for the day when we have a child to call ours and to hold in our arms. We have many, many, many friends who grieve that same emptiness. We grieve with them as well. It sucks. But I am thankful that this year, God seems to be saying, I am still here. I haven’t forgotten you. Just as I have been faithful to you in other areas, I one day will be faithful to bring a child that I have planned to be yours since before the beginning of time.

Gratitude

I’ve been reading a book titled One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp. I stumbled across a review of it a few weeks ago and was intrigued but fearful. It seemed to offer what I was looking for and speak into the topics in my life that are most pressing. I read an excerpt from it that made me cry, I was so moved by it. And yet I was afraid it would be one more disappointing book that promised something – a way out? Hope? The possibility of change? – and mostly turned out to be fluff. The same words just shifted around. No real substance. I was really looking for a new perspective, a new way of looking at life and my relationship with God, and sustenance. I found it – in part, at least – in this book. I haven’t finished reading it yet but have been savoring it one section at a time. 

She takes these two subjects of living fully where you are and gratitude – one which has always eluded me and another which I have valued but not lived – and she gives a new perspective. She – in a back way that catches you off guard – brings life and energy and hope with an intriguing way of writing. A disarming and vulnerable way of writing that allows you to be with her, feel her story, and be touched by what God was doing in her life. A way of writing that leads you right back to God although you never suspected you were headed in that direction. There were no trite Christian sayings, no shaming over not being a super Christian, but there was God. She writes in a way that allows God to open up life inside of me without me working so hard or trying to force it. In a way that allows me to step into where God is already at without all the legalism and the knowledge that in the end blocks me from God. 

I highly recommend her book. Someday I would love to write something as equally powerful, vulnerable and inspiring. 

Last night I ended my evening reading this quote. “I, too, had read it often, the oft-quoted verse: ‘And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ’ (Ephesians 5:20). And I, too, would nod and say straight-faced, ‘I’m thankful for everything.’ But in counting gifts, to one thousand, more, I discover that slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life leaves me deeply thankful for very few things in my life. A lifetime of sermons on ‘thanks in all things’ and the shelves sagging with books on these things and I testify: life-changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time.” (page 57)

I like this. I think this is where I miss out on the life that I do have. I am always rushing ahead to the “someday” things, the big things, and I am rarely here in today. I am rarely thankful and I am often longing for what I do not have. I want to be here, now. Enjoying all I have – which is this very day. I can’t change the past and I don’t have the future guaranteed. Only this moment in time, right now. So I will start with the small things I am grateful for. I am thankful for a ticking clock, a soft blue blanket, an overstuffed armchair. I am thankful for bathrooms and my doctor. I am thankful I don’t have a needle in my arm now. I am thankful for writing classes. I am thankful for soft dogs, for my soft dog, who is goofy. I am thankful for naps, and this day off work. I am thankful for lists but also for trash cans where sometimes lists need to go. I am thankful for friends who listen and ask thought provoking questions and who journey with me in this life. I am thankful for a husband to share life with. I am thankful for the breath God gave me. I am thankful for how intricate and amazingly God created our bodies, to work so efficiently, to be so complex and yet run (mostly) smoothly. I am thankful He literally holds our cells together, holds my cells together. 

And now, with all this thankfulness, I am tired. It is time to take a nap.