Three Months

Lili is three months today. I can barely believe it. I made a photo book of her and it just came yesterday. I was so glad because I think one of my fears is forgetting her. Forgetting what she looks like, smelled like, acted like. Forgetting what it was like to hold her in my arms as well as keep her in my heart. My brain has a hard time, too. I am back at work and although I KNOW it is June, every time I go to write the date, I write March (and I write the date a lot for my job). It is like the time with her happened in this alternative reality and now I don’t know what to do with that. I am afraid to let her go (afraid I will forget) but afraid to hold on (knowing she is not mine to hold onto). It is a strange place to be. Oh little Lili. Yesterday someone asked us what we did with her memories emotionally. Joa said he was not sure where our memories of her were, but it that was a good place, not a dark place. I am really grateful for all God has brought out of this experience.

Partly because of grief, and partly because I am a do-er, I have done tons of things around the house I have never done before. Stained and sealed our fence. Made a sidewalk with gravel. Caulked a bathtub, a bathroom sink, and a kitchen sink. Grouted the bottom of a shower. Sealed our shower stone tiles.

And then there are the things I haven’t done in so long but now getting around to. Found and killed a hornet’s nest. Cleaned a very, very dirty oven (that was a LOT harder than killing the hornets! It somehow seemed that most of an apple pie was on the bottom, charred and sealed on the bottom of the oven). Sprayed and sprayed all around the house to keep all the bugs outside in the heat. Cleaned the windows inside and out.

In the midst of all that physical work that frees your mind for other things, God has made it clear it is time for a new direction in my life. Without the break from my old life (and I guess current life), I never would have slowed down enough or been willing to take a second look enough to see this. It was a clean break from everything in my life as I lived in San Antonio for four weeks to be with her, and it was time God used to get my attention, to prepare me for something new. I laugh, maybe a little ironically, that apparently God literally needed to uproot me, take me away from all the familiar and comfortable, to bring about this change. Wow, what lengths He went through in order to orchestrate His best good for me. I am thankful He did. I am thankful He let me love His little girl while He did some work on my heart.

The details are not quite all together yet. Stay posted, though. I love that God is doing something new out of such great loss. Isaiah 43:19 "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." What an amazing God we have.

Answered Prayer

“I want you to be ALL MINE, filled with the Light of My Presence. I gave everything for you by living as a man, then dying for your sins and living again. Hold back nothing from Me. Bring me your most secret thoughts into the Light of My Love. Anything you bring Me I transform and cleanse from darkness. I know everything about you, far more than you know of yourself. But I restrain My yearning to “fix” you, waiting instead for you to come to Me for help. Imagine the divine restraint this requires, for I have all Power in heaven and earth. Seek My face with a teachable spirit. Come into My Presence with thanksgiving, desiring to be transformed.” June 8^th devotional reading of Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. 

During this time of grief, as people prayed for us, they have prayed that we might know why this happened, that God might reveal some of His purposes for us in this time. And while I thought that was a kind prayer, the pain in my heart said nothing would matter because it would not bring Lili back. And although that is still true, God gave me a breath of fresh air this morning when I read the above devotional. 

This devotional reminded me of my prayers for at least the last two years. I tended to be a somewhat legalistic Christian who was really quite self-sufficient and independent when it came to daily living out my relationship with God. When I finally was broken and devastated enough by the way I had been living my life – much like an agnostic in practicality – my prayer on and off throughout the last two years had been “Lord, please do whatever it takes to make me more fully Yours. To bring together knowledge about You and who You are, and make it real in my daily living. For me to experience Your love, not just know about it. To walk with You daily, dependent on You and Your guidance.” I wanted change. I wanted to live differently and I finally realized I could not make that happen myself. I remember praying that a bit fearfully, knowing that usually I don’t change easily, but it takes some big traumatic thing. I was even afraid it would mean losing Joa. But there comes a point when you are so tired of where you are at that you desire what God wants at any cost. At that point in my life, I had come to realize that having a true, intimate, close relationship with God was worth any cost. Well, at least I knew that intellectually. 

In the grief of losing Lili, I had forgotten those repeated prayers. It all came rushing back this morning when I read this devotion. Going through this situation with Lili has definitely been an answer, in part, to my prayers above. As I lived in San Antonio for four weeks with Lili while she was in NICU, I truly HAD to depend on God each day just to make it through the day. I had to look to Him for His grace and learned that ALWAYS when I sought Him and asked for help, He gave me just what I needed for the day. No more, no less. I learned if I tried to apply that grace to future worries, I had already spent the grace He had given me for that specific day. I learned that He really is the author and perfector of our faith (Heb 12:2) so that I did not have to “work hard” to somehow on my own “make” enough faith. Any faith I had was already a gift from Him; if I needed more, I could ask Him and He would provide. In the end, it certainly was not about me being self-sufficient or independent, doing what I needed to on my own, but leaning and depending on Him. The same only continued as Lili came home and we waited for a month, not knowing if we would lose her or not. The same needs to continue after we have lost her, and the grief is overpowering at times. God continues to ask me to believe in His goodness, trust His sovereignty, rest in His love, and know that He gives us His very best (even if it feels painful). He asks this of me. But He always provides what I need if I seek Him and ask for it. 

I could never have learned these things, had them ingrained in my heart and mind, without this situation. It was like boot camp, in a way. Painful but necessary training to prepare for what is ahead. God answered my previous prayers through our journey with Lili; it was one of His purposes for our time with her. 

Knowing that still does not take away the pain. No one will ever replace Lili. Yesterday we listed the things we loved and missed about her. Her attentive eyes. Her love of her hands on her head, or her arms crossed behind her head. Her drama queen actions. Her hiccups. Her cuddling. Her wiggliness. Her “the-world-is-going-to-end” scream when she was hungry. Her sleeping peacefully in Joa’s arms. We miss her. The pain of losing her will take a long time to go away. Maybe it will never fully go away, though the intensity will lessen. We loved her and loved her well. But we struggle, and try, and ask God for help – and weakly trust that He has already brought our good out of it and will bring more good. The tiny piece we see is neither the whole story nor the end of the story.