Ethan

For those of you who followed all the events of last year’s failed placement, today Ethan turns one. It is hard to believe it has been one year already. It is hard to believe yet one more year has flown by and the adoption agency has not called with another placement. Surely by now, I thought we would have a child. But if I got a nickel for every time I thought that on this adoption journey, we would have enough for a college fund for our someday child. 

Gratefully, I am not bitter. I am thankful to say that just like millions of other couples have survived and even thrived in situations like these, we have survived as well. And though my faith has wavered – questioning more what God has for us in general – God has kept it and continued to perfect it like He said He would (Hebrews 12:2). This date, like a few other select dates, I will remember for years to come. They were a special family to us and Ethan was a special baby that was almost ours to love. I am thankful he is with his birthmom and her parents who love him. I am not angry at her. I am not angry at God. I certainly wish we were celebrating with our own child(ren) but that is out of my control. 

I am also thankful for something special God has been doing. April is typically a hard month for me. My surgery four years ago was April 6^th, which that year was Good Friday. It was on that day that we found out the life changing news that we would not be able to have children. Every year that is a sad reminder for me and every year that we continue to be childless – despite our adoptions attempts and waiting – that date feels heavier and heavier. Last year, on April 12^th, Ethan was about to be born and I was so excited because I thought God was going to give us something to celebrate. Instead, we ended up with two losses to remember in April. 

This year He has done something a little different. This April we are in the process of buying a house. We made an offer on April 6^th and today – Ethan’s birthday – the inspection was done. It is in no way replacing or fulfilling the desire for children, though the anxiety and unknown does remind me of last year waiting for Ethan to be born. The morning we made the offer, I was transported back in time the year before when we were headed to Waco to meet this baby boy that at that time we thought would be ours. I had the same anxiety, the same feeling of this could really happen, or this could not. It would be April 14, 2010 two days later that we would walk out of the hospital sobbing and empty handed. I am still waiting to see what God does on April 14th this year. :) 

I still long for the day when we have a child to call ours and to hold in our arms. We have many, many, many friends who grieve that same emptiness. We grieve with them as well. It sucks. But I am thankful that this year, God seems to be saying, I am still here. I haven’t forgotten you. Just as I have been faithful to you in other areas, I one day will be faithful to bring a child that I have planned to be yours since before the beginning of time.