San Diego

I am back again. Maybe. It's been an interesting year and I hope to be more faithful about blogging. Thank you for sticking with me!

We went to San Diego for our 10th anniversary. It's not until December 15th but the ticket sales forced us to use them in November. So, happily, at the beginning of November, we went to San Diego for five glorious days.

We had not been on vacation, really, since our honeymoon. Well, let me clarify. We have taken many trips to Brazil, South Dakota, Kansas City and St. Louis to see family and friends. We took a weekend getaway each year. I guess what I should say is we had not been away together, just the two of us, for an extended time since our honeymoon. Because, honestly, as wonderful as it is with family and friends, that typically means little time together, even if you are always together. So, although I was grateful we had taken trips away, I just wanted Joa to myself.

This trip was glorious. Yes, San Diego was wonderful. It was easy to explore. It had a lot to do and see. And Joa loves the ocean so he was just happy to drive along the coast. It was a bit cold so all we could do was stick our toes in, and even that was a challenge. We road bikes, took naps and ate out. We went hiking. We went to LA for a day. We watched a few ocean sunsets. 

But what was most glorious about the trip was just the chance to reconnect. We didn't have any deep-solve-the-world-or-our-lives conversations, but we also didn't have a lot of distractions. We had fun. Joa ignored his phone for five days. We left our problems behind and lived carefree for five days. Every move was the chance for adventure and we embraced it wholeheartedly.

I came back with hope and renewal at our friendship, our partnership and our marriage. It's been a long season of adoption waiting, school pursuing, and goal accomplishing that makes satisfying time alone together a rarity.

Thank God for vacations. Thank God for time away, for renewed perspective and fun. Thank You, God, for time with each other filled with hope.

Winter

I am sleepless these days. When I was little I had many nights like this. I don’t know why, but I often couldn’t sleep. As an adult, I go through seasons where I sleep very well and then seasons where try as I might, I toss and turn all night. I hate being awake when everyone is asleep. It makes me feel very alone in a quiet dark world.

When I was little and couldn’t sleep, if the light was still on in the kitchen I would go out there. My dad, who typically never put me to bed, would tickle me and send me back to bed. This morning I wondered if I was able to sleep not because he tickled me but because I knew someone else was still awake in the house. And if I needed to, I could come find them and not be alone. And that was reassuring.

Being sleepless is not the worst thing in the world but this is my vacation. This is one of the few times every couple of years that I literally can sleep in every morning if I want to. And yet I can’t fall asleep at night, I toss and turn, and eventually get up early. To try to understand it doesn’t make sense. To try the usual sleep aids don’t work. But I know eventually I will be so tired that I will crash and sleep well. I know this is a season that will come and go.

That’s helpful to know because it reminds me that there are other seasons in my life. It has been a hard past semester for many reasons. One of those is adoption – or lack of – but that is not the only thing. I was hoping, after what felt like a hard winter of the soul, that we would come to Brazil and all our problems and struggles would disappear. I was hoping for a vacation from struggling. Although I have had many good days here, that is not true.

In the midst of this, Joa brought a book recommended by a friend and that has been a great source of comfort. It is called Spiritual Rhythm by Mark Buchanan. It talks about how the four seasons of nature can coincide with the seasons of our spiritual life. Basically, that we all experience different seasons of life in our spiritual life. None of them, either the good or the bad, the thrilling or the struggling, last forever. Each one has a purpose that God is leading us through. None of the them are wasted.

What Mark Buchanan writes about the winter season has given words to what I feel inside but haven’t been able to verbalize. Even though Christmas is just around the corner, I feel like I am in Narnia with the White Witch reigning where it’s always winter but never Christmas. Reading the book has not changed anything about my circumstances – it’s still winter – but that has given me a new perspective. This is just a season. It feels long, like South Dakota winters I grew up in, but it won’t last forever. Spring will come. I will feel the sunshine on my soul again just as I do outside.

A season is just a season. My circumstances aren’t my foundation or my security. So, in some similar ways, when I am in my winter season, I do the same thing as when I was little and couldn’t sleep. I go to my Heavenly Father. He is always awake. He never sleeps. That brings a lot of comfort and security.

So, as you potentially wish you were here with us, enjoying the beach and the sun and the vacation time, could you also say a prayer for God’s good work to continue to be done in my heart here? He doesn’t waste whatever season He puts us in.