Last week, a very sad thing happened. My computer crashed.
At first, I thought I just needed to restart it. So I did and there was progress until it froze. I restarted it again and it froze. This cycle continued about 10 times that morning. Finally, I started it in safe mode, and then did a system restore. I hoped it would be the answer to all my computer fears. But it wasn't. Being determined (and a bit helpless to know what else to do) I did this several more times. The next day I took the battery out and left it that was for awhile, hoping that would be the magic fix. No change. So while we wait to close on a house and have other expenses, I took some time to think about what we should do.
It's been a full week. I do have my computer but no internet. I have realized that the majority of my time at home alone, I have the laptop on and am using the internet. I love to listen to Adventures in Odyssey. I will never outgrow them. It's my routine when I come home from work and am making supper to have that on. There is also something to catch up on facebook or gmail. On nights that Joa works late, I catch up on our NBC shows or watch something on Netflix. The same is true as I fold laundry. My laptop, when teamed with our wonderful wireless internet, has been my constant companion.
So this week has been an odd week for me. I feel a bit limited and lacking without my internet resources. A bit exposed in the silence I used to delight in. Have I become afraid to be alone with myself? And have I become so accustomed to filling my time with noise that I have been missing things right in front of me?
God is gently knocking at my heart. He is gentleman so He hasn't busted down the door. But I wonder, as much as I wished my computer had not crashed, is there a gift in this all? I always talk about writing more and think that God has placed that on my heart. But when I have internet, I seem to fill the time with everything but writing. Even now, I can turn my computer on in safe mode and write and still save. But I haven't. It's the one thing I always want to do but maybe am afraid to.
I am not lazy. Really. I know this. I grew up as an almost full-blooded German, Midwestern raised farmer's daughter. Sometimes I don't know how to relax unless everything on my list is accomplished. But what is interesting (or sad) is that I will sit down to do one needed thing on the internet and suddenly my morning or afternoon or day is gone. And I don't know what happened to it. I wasn't doing nothing. But I wasn't doing much of anything either.
It comes down to intentionally. This theme is not new in my life. In many areas of my life, I have good hopes and dreams and plans. But if I am not intentional, time slips away and it is an hour, a week, a month, a year later and nothing has changed. God has given me all the time in the world for what He has for me. But do I take the time to see what He has for me?
Now, I don't need to be an extreme person. I don't have to give up having a computer and internet. But I do want to make some changes. To walk with God always takes intentionally. What would my life be like if every morning I was as consistent about spending time with Him as I am about checking email? What would my life be like if I was as quick to go to my Father as I was to email a friend about a concern?
In wanting to honor my new commitment to intentionality, I will end here.
P.S. I can still check my gmail on my iPod. :)
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