Adoption Angst

Depending on how you count, we have officially been on the adoption journey God has for us for four years in January, and waiting with our current agency for just a little over two years.

I must confess there are some days I just want to pull my hair out over all the waiting and lack of control and unknowns. There are so many ups and downs. It is much easier to just live life, and in some ways, tuck it away in the far recesses of my brain so the longing is not quite as cutting or raw. God has blessed me with much and I never want to take that for granted. I do have a very good life, just the way it is now.

But the longing is still there, and after what feels like a flurry of activity with our adoption agency the past two months – and yet still no results - I feel so discouraged. We have had two failed placements at this point. The last one was a few months ago.  We heard through a friend who heard through a friend about a very probable adoption of a 2 year old boy and a 8 month old girl. We pursued it and things looked very promising. Then suddenly the birth mom no longer returned calls. Grief once again – such a frustrating end.

And, believe me, we have explored ALL our adoption options. We have pursued all the options God has opened for us, and now we are locked into waiting exactly where God wants us waiting. There is nothing new to pursue to change the waiting.

So here we are waiting. It’s hard. Sometimes, in my desire to DO something, I wonder if I could just find that one thing that God wants me to learn, or connection He wants me to have to get to the adoption part. If I could only figure it out and get out of this waiting and longing and hoping. But I know He is not playing games with me, nor is He hiding the next step. His timing really is perfect. I choose to trust that.

Although I hate this waiting, everyone waits in different ways. God has used this in my life for growth and for a deeper awareness of walking by faith and trust. Something I struggle to do as an independent, self-sufficient American.

But it’s still hard. I think I am going to resist the urge to wrap this up in a neat, tidy bow. Yes, there is hope. Yes, God is working. But it’s hard. It’s okay to say that.

It’s still hard.