I have been thinking about Ethan a lot lately. I had to call the hotel this week for something. Then I had to look up the actual hospital address for something. Today for some reason the memories of the phone calls with the caseworker in my work’s parking lot popped into my mind. I wanted to call our caseworker to ask if there is anything behind the scenes going on, but I don’t think I want to know unless there is some level of certainty to it. I know she will call us when she has news. But today it just feels like it is time for another call, like it is time for us to be parents and time for us to have a little one to love.
My heart hurts and longs for a child. So I will cry, but I will sit in my Father’s lap and cry. I can cry with trust. I don’t have to sweep my feelings under a spiritual rug. Crying to my Father brings His soothing comfort and truth. I can acknowledge my feelings and their very realness to me and then look at the reality He has promised me.
Once again I surrender to our Father’s plan. Maybe I am starting to get the hang of this surrender thing. Maybe it’s starting to come a little sooner. I know He has not forgotten us. I know He is working even behind the scenes. I know He really does have perfect plans for us that probably look different than we want or expect. He will work it out. I also know that part of that perfect plan is for today. It doesn’t start in the future when I get what I have been hoping for. It is about growth in the moment. It is about struggle and surrender. It is about knowing Him better.
It is not a bad thing that I am reminded of Ethan. It is not a bad thing that I have to struggle and surrender again. Lord, please make me struggle and surrender rather than sit in my own little made up world where things are the way I want them, and my only hope and satisfaction are the things I have around me. It is good to be broken a little more. It is good to have something that I find hard shift my perspective, shift the lies in my heart about God to the truth about Him. It is good to be reminded that what I really need, every day, desperately, is my Father.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Missed and Gained
~for everything you have missed you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.~
My niece wrote this quote on her Facebook page and I had to really stop and think about this for awhile. I can think back in my life where I have “missed” things I thought I really wanted. The things that immediately pop into my mind are: a boy in high school, the ability to get pregnant, and, fresh on my mind, a successful placement with adoption. I know we all have regrets that we look back on with sorrow and the typical questions: the what ifs or if onlys.
And yet I look at my very full and blessed life now and think about the something elses I have gained. For my first one, I might have missed a boy in high school, but if I hadn’t, I certainly never would have ended up with my husband. I am not perfect and he is not perfect, but we are the perfect match for each other. Even on the hardest days, which come in every marriage, I cannot imagine living life without him. And on the best days, it feels like heaven on earth. What a good trade off for the boy in high school.
The other two are not quite as trite as the first one. There was much sorrow and grieving when we found out I would never be able to get pregnant. I still grieve that loss on the anniversary date of my surgery. I still stay away from baby showers because I just can’t handle them. But I gained the love of our community poured out in a way I have never experienced before. I gained a little better understanding about God. The main thing (which I am a bit embarrassed to admit but I do want to be authentic) is that He uses pain for good. I wish I had learned more about Him but I think I mostly just learned that He uses pain for good. We gained the journey of adoption.
And our failed placement happened just a little over a month ago. If you have never grieved something, you might be thinking to yourself right now “just get over it”. I think I tell myself that sometimes. Especially since we only got to see and hold him for two days. But we have waited and prayed so long for a little one that God would give to us. And all our interactions with this family had been so perfect up until the end. Grief and loss permeate our souls, I think. And they really do change us the way that the simple saying goes: we either become better or bitter. I have become, through God’s grace and compassion, better not bitter. That is something I gained.
So, although I never gained what I wanted, I did gain something.
I did a double take on the second part. For everything we gain, do we really lose something? When I do have a child, will I really lose something? I guess the depends on what you are talking about. Sometimes there are very hard decisions we make in life that when we choose or gain one thing, it automatically means we lose another. But it also made me think that sometimes this is a very positive loss. I know intellectually than when we are actually blessed with a little one, we will lose sleep. We will lose patience. My husband and I will lose some of the wonderful time we have had all to ourselves. But I also hope that in the purifying process (because I know it will be!) of being a parent, I will lose some of my sinfulness and selfishness because a little one will be dependent on me. I hope that deepens my understanding and experience of how deep and great the lavishing love of the Father is for me.
So, maybe it is true, but just in ways we don’t always think of. It’s another way of saying you can’t have it all. Or count your blessings. Or Isaiah 55:89 - “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the LORD.For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” I really like my thoughts and my plans and my ways, but God has something divine in mind instead. He never has to give us a reason but I am thankful to look back at what I have “missed” and see what I have gained because of His plans for me.
My niece wrote this quote on her Facebook page and I had to really stop and think about this for awhile. I can think back in my life where I have “missed” things I thought I really wanted. The things that immediately pop into my mind are: a boy in high school, the ability to get pregnant, and, fresh on my mind, a successful placement with adoption. I know we all have regrets that we look back on with sorrow and the typical questions: the what ifs or if onlys.
And yet I look at my very full and blessed life now and think about the something elses I have gained. For my first one, I might have missed a boy in high school, but if I hadn’t, I certainly never would have ended up with my husband. I am not perfect and he is not perfect, but we are the perfect match for each other. Even on the hardest days, which come in every marriage, I cannot imagine living life without him. And on the best days, it feels like heaven on earth. What a good trade off for the boy in high school.
The other two are not quite as trite as the first one. There was much sorrow and grieving when we found out I would never be able to get pregnant. I still grieve that loss on the anniversary date of my surgery. I still stay away from baby showers because I just can’t handle them. But I gained the love of our community poured out in a way I have never experienced before. I gained a little better understanding about God. The main thing (which I am a bit embarrassed to admit but I do want to be authentic) is that He uses pain for good. I wish I had learned more about Him but I think I mostly just learned that He uses pain for good. We gained the journey of adoption.
And our failed placement happened just a little over a month ago. If you have never grieved something, you might be thinking to yourself right now “just get over it”. I think I tell myself that sometimes. Especially since we only got to see and hold him for two days. But we have waited and prayed so long for a little one that God would give to us. And all our interactions with this family had been so perfect up until the end. Grief and loss permeate our souls, I think. And they really do change us the way that the simple saying goes: we either become better or bitter. I have become, through God’s grace and compassion, better not bitter. That is something I gained.
So, although I never gained what I wanted, I did gain something.
I did a double take on the second part. For everything we gain, do we really lose something? When I do have a child, will I really lose something? I guess the depends on what you are talking about. Sometimes there are very hard decisions we make in life that when we choose or gain one thing, it automatically means we lose another. But it also made me think that sometimes this is a very positive loss. I know intellectually than when we are actually blessed with a little one, we will lose sleep. We will lose patience. My husband and I will lose some of the wonderful time we have had all to ourselves. But I also hope that in the purifying process (because I know it will be!) of being a parent, I will lose some of my sinfulness and selfishness because a little one will be dependent on me. I hope that deepens my understanding and experience of how deep and great the lavishing love of the Father is for me.
So, maybe it is true, but just in ways we don’t always think of. It’s another way of saying you can’t have it all. Or count your blessings. Or Isaiah 55:89 - “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the LORD.For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” I really like my thoughts and my plans and my ways, but God has something divine in mind instead. He never has to give us a reason but I am thankful to look back at what I have “missed” and see what I have gained because of His plans for me.
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