Pursue me!

For those of you who don’t know, my dog's name is George. I had to clarify this because once I met with a friend and she asked what I had been up to. I said several things, one of them being taking walks with George. She got this look of horror on her face and asked who George was. She thought I was talking walks with some guy. Mind you, she had actually been to our house several times recently and met George every time because he is impossible not to meet if you come to our house. So just remember, George is my dog, though I think it will be obvious.

George and I play this game. He comes up to me, his favorite blue ball in his mouth, and teases me. He comes close but when I try to get the ball, he runs away. I just want to sit on the couch and throw his ball so he does all the work. But he wants to be chased. After he gives me one of the most pitiful looks ever, I chase him around the house yelling “I’m gonna get you!” He runs, sometimes frantically, depending on how heavy I stomp my feet, and sometimes just trots ahead of me. The fun part is that every couple turns around the house, I hide in the bathroom or bedroom until he notices I am no longer chasing him and he comes to find me. Then I yell with delight “you found me!” and start chasing him again. Just writing that brings a smile to my face.

I almost never want to start this game but in the end, I am always smiling and laughing and feeling energized. I am not typically a playful person – I am usually much too serious – and playing with George brings out the playfulness in me. I hope that the same will be true with our kids some day; I want to play with them, pursue them, engage in their world. It doesn’t take much but it does take time, energy and the willingness to step out of my world. To simply play and not being so busy doing things and being productive.

I look at George’s delight in being pursued and it reminds me of my own delight in being pursued. I think we all love to be pursued in the right way. And it is amazing that God, the Creator of the universe, pursues His creation. It should be the other way around but that is what makes God so amazing. He doesn’t pursue us like the world does. He doesn’t pursue when we are famous or have accomplished something big. He pursues us when we are nobody and our name means nothing to the world. He doesn’t pursue us as the world does relationships. He doesn’t pursue us to make Him feel better. He doesn’t pursue us for all we have to offer Him. He pursues us in our weakness and in our sins and in our failures. He pursues us in our brokenness and grief and pain. And He isn’t surprised to find out we are not perfect. He pursues us, knowing us fully already. He pursues us not because He needs us but because He loves us.

What is also amazing to me is that God delights in being pursued. It’s not a one way street. He seeks me but sometimes He figuratively hides in the bathroom until I seek Him. Then maybe He yells to me "you found me!" I can delight the heart of God by pursuing Him. As I read over the blog again, I am struck by how many times “pursue” and “delight” are in it. We are a people who are meant to be about pursuing. Being pursued by God, and pursuing God. Being pursued by people, and pursuing people. Joy is found in both. Isolation is found when we go to either extreme of only pursuing or never pursuing.

But regardless of where we are at, God always pursues and He always invites us in. In to be with Him, not to get gifts or accomplish things, but to be with Him. That is amazing.

Grace

I wrote this last year but never got around to posting it. Several months later, it's still a powerful reminder of grace to me. I thought it was a good first blog for the new year.

I am tall and I have very bad depth perception. Those two things make an embarrassing and clumsy combination.

When I was little I hated to be so tall. I was so thankful to have a friend, Ruth Anne, as tall as me. They called us Twin Towers. We, the tall ones, survived together while everyone else was at least a foot shorter than us.

Today I love that I am tall but I think the bad depth perception doesn’t help me out at all. I still end up being a bit clumsy. When I first got married, my poor husband had to put up with getting scratched and bumped accidentally. At least I can tell how close he is these days – less accidental hurting going on – but I still am clumsy. A few months ago I literally walked into the bumper of a SUV. I thought it was farther away. And I did the quick look around to see if anyone saw me, as if that changed things for better or worse if there was a witness.

Yesterday, I had relational clumsiness. I had an emotional meltdown at work. As hard as I tried to keep it together and as hard as I tried to hold it back, I couldn’t. I sobbed. It was embarrassing. Then my kind bosses sent me home to take a nap, where I woke up refreshed and thought “who was that sobbing woman”? I am still not totally sure what happened yesterday.

I was so embarrassed. But (after my nap) when I regained my normal senses, I thought the whole event was very significant. I felt God dumping His grace and acceptance on me yesterday in very tangible ways. There is something wonderful about being vulnerable (even if you can’t help it) and being accepted. Being understood. Being cared for. That as clumsy as I can be sometimes relationally (as well as physically!), there is grace in that.

I think we all kind of bumble around in our own ways. We all have days when we are weak. We all have areas - not sin, mind you – but areas simply that annoy us, that make us look weak, that we wish we didn’t have that God says – I gave that to you. Without my clumsiness relationally, I would certainly not have opened myself up at work like I did yesterday. I wish I could have held it together and looked competent instead of pitiful with a tear stained face. But I experienced acceptance that I would not have seen.

I guess I just wanted to say to all you perfectionists (like me) out there – it’s worth it. Stop the lies in your head. You will not be less valuable if you look less perfect or perform less perfect or act less perfect. I hated how embarrassed I felt after my emotional meltdown yesterday. But since God wanted to remind me my acceptance was in who I am, not what I do, He pushed all my buttons (in a good way) so the tears flowed. And I am glad I have bosses who know me and accept me. Thank you Cathy and Phillip.

New Year's Eve

This trip to Brazil was my fifth trip here. And it was the first time that the area of the city where we were staying lost power. Twice. Tonight is the second time and it’s New Year’s Eve.

So, although this is my vacation and I have plenty of downtime, tonight was the perfect timing. Tonight I took stock of the past year. And honestly, sadly, what I saw was not what I wanted to see. But it was necessary for me to see it to make changes in the coming year.

It has been a rough year. I have spent much energy, much time, and much focus on the things that didn’t matter. I did not walk away from the Lord intentionally but I certainly drifted away each day a little further. However, without the loss of electricity, I would not have taken the time to look back and see that. God was so gracious in calling me back to Himself that on New Year’s Eve, He turned the power off.

Maybe you have had a great past year. Maybe you have been closer to the Lord than ever. Maybe You have grown and enjoyed His abundance. If that is true, I am so glad. But if your year was like me, where you drifted away from him a little more each day, there is hope. He continues to call you to Himself. With His Word and with sunsets and with power outages.

And just so you know, as I was writing this, the lights came back on. Just in time to celebrate a new year.

Winter

I am sleepless these days. When I was little I had many nights like this. I don’t know why, but I often couldn’t sleep. As an adult, I go through seasons where I sleep very well and then seasons where try as I might, I toss and turn all night. I hate being awake when everyone is asleep. It makes me feel very alone in a quiet dark world.

When I was little and couldn’t sleep, if the light was still on in the kitchen I would go out there. My dad, who typically never put me to bed, would tickle me and send me back to bed. This morning I wondered if I was able to sleep not because he tickled me but because I knew someone else was still awake in the house. And if I needed to, I could come find them and not be alone. And that was reassuring.

Being sleepless is not the worst thing in the world but this is my vacation. This is one of the few times every couple of years that I literally can sleep in every morning if I want to. And yet I can’t fall asleep at night, I toss and turn, and eventually get up early. To try to understand it doesn’t make sense. To try the usual sleep aids don’t work. But I know eventually I will be so tired that I will crash and sleep well. I know this is a season that will come and go.

That’s helpful to know because it reminds me that there are other seasons in my life. It has been a hard past semester for many reasons. One of those is adoption – or lack of – but that is not the only thing. I was hoping, after what felt like a hard winter of the soul, that we would come to Brazil and all our problems and struggles would disappear. I was hoping for a vacation from struggling. Although I have had many good days here, that is not true.

In the midst of this, Joa brought a book recommended by a friend and that has been a great source of comfort. It is called Spiritual Rhythm by Mark Buchanan. It talks about how the four seasons of nature can coincide with the seasons of our spiritual life. Basically, that we all experience different seasons of life in our spiritual life. None of them, either the good or the bad, the thrilling or the struggling, last forever. Each one has a purpose that God is leading us through. None of the them are wasted.

What Mark Buchanan writes about the winter season has given words to what I feel inside but haven’t been able to verbalize. Even though Christmas is just around the corner, I feel like I am in Narnia with the White Witch reigning where it’s always winter but never Christmas. Reading the book has not changed anything about my circumstances – it’s still winter – but that has given me a new perspective. This is just a season. It feels long, like South Dakota winters I grew up in, but it won’t last forever. Spring will come. I will feel the sunshine on my soul again just as I do outside.

A season is just a season. My circumstances aren’t my foundation or my security. So, in some similar ways, when I am in my winter season, I do the same thing as when I was little and couldn’t sleep. I go to my Heavenly Father. He is always awake. He never sleeps. That brings a lot of comfort and security.

So, as you potentially wish you were here with us, enjoying the beach and the sun and the vacation time, could you also say a prayer for God’s good work to continue to be done in my heart here? He doesn’t waste whatever season He puts us in.

A Day in my Life in Brazil

The night before last night Lara, our sister-in-law, let Joa and I sleep in her air-conditioned room with black out curtains. No, let me rephrase that. She did not just “let” us; she forced us to sleep there. My Portuguese isn’t quite up to speed so I normally don’t join in but throughout the day, her and Joa spend a lot of time playfully arguing while she bossily tries to make sure our every need it taken care of plus some. I can’t add much but I do get a “estou cheia” in sometimes. It means “I am full” and I have to repeat it many times as she tries to make me eat more food. There is a loud love here where I am used to quiet politeness. Its refreshing to have something different and yes, good to step out my familiar.

We woke up early for vacation. It was 7 AM, which is actually 4 AM back in Dallas. If I think about that, it makes it worse. Joa tells me that we would take Lara to work so we could have the car for the day. As I rushed to get ready, I checked with Joa to make sure we were just dropping her off. He replied yes.

But I knew from experience that setting out to do one thing could lead to ten things, and that I had better be ready for anything. I know to some of you, that sounds pretty silly. But at home, in my element, I get to plan my days, I get to take care of things, I get to drive, I get to choose what to do with my time. On some levels, that is not true here and that is both refreshing and challenging at the same time. I just like being prepared and here, most of the time, I never know what is coming – as much as Joa tells me about plans – and I never know quite how to prepare. I am a control freak, yes I am. It is obvious from the last few sentences.

So we head out to drop Lara off downtown. This is close to where Joa grew up so we drive to his old neighborhood. We walk around. We see neighbors. We find a drug rehab place. We talk to the guy in charge and find out what their program is like. We stop and see his mom. All things not in the plan but all good things.

The rest of the day was pleasant as well. We went swimming in the pool. We met friends for lunch and I enjoyed hearing English again. We go back to the house. I try to take a nap. Joa’s sister and her family from Kansas City gets here. She and her husband – separately – tell me that they hear I am doing very well with my Portuguese. I wonder who in the family said this – I doubt some days that I have learned anything at all - but I am encouraged regardless. We go see Joa’s mom. We go to see Joa’s uncle and family. I throw out my few sentences in Portuguese that everyone is impressed with. I am proud of myself and honestly, I know even if I don’t say another thing the whole entire trip, they are pleased I have tried. I feel celebrated – not necessarily for who I am, because it feels hard to be known when I don’t say much– but for being brave, for trying something new, for struggling to learn Portuguese when it doesn’t fit or stay in my brain.

Sometimes I love it here and sometimes I hate it here. I am celebrated here in loud ways, in excited ways, that I haven’t felt often with life. And yet sometimes here, I am no one, I am hidden. I don’t speak, I don’t understand, I don’t contribute, I don’t choose.

When I think of living here, it’s overwhelming and exciting. It really has become as familiar as home because of the amount of time we spend here and because we spend it with Joa’s family and friends. Maybe I am not known in the ways I would typically want to be known. I can’t voice my own opinions as I want to – sometimes I think things get lost in the translation. But I am celebrated for being Joa’s wife, for being an American that (as much as she can) embraces Brazilian culture, for learning a new language (as hard as it is) and for journeying here with my love. I guess that’s a start. It’s a start at bravery and courage, it’s a start at taking risks, it’s a start at stepping outside of my comfort zone.

And that, my friends, is typically what my days in Brazil are all about.

Wit

I watched a movie a few days ago that I am still looking for the right words to describe it and its impact on me.

You know, that kind of movie that you put in your queue for Netflix and then promptly forget about until it shows up. Then you wonder why you picked it in the first place. I put off watching it for a week. Then it got to the point that I either watch it or send it back. So I started watching it to decide if I should watch it or send it back.

And it sucked me in. Days later I am still thinking about some of the scenes.

It’s called Wit. It was an HBO movie released in 2001. Part of the description reads: “Emma Thompson stars as Vivian Bearing, a disciplined, esteemed English professor dealing with a sensitive issue -- her health. After being diagnosed with ovarian cancer, Bearing is forced to reassess her life and decide what's really important.”

The part that got me was the line where she decides what is really important in life.

It was full of contradictions. Not necessarily the fully fleshed out contradictions of life, but opposing themes laid side by side to contrast each other. Life and death. Those in helping professions who don’t care. Those who care despite their lack of scientific knowledge. The search for salvation. Being found by God. The puzzle of poetry and the simpleness of a children’s book. The elevation of knowledge over the human touch, and yet the simple power of kindness over sterile information.

Uncompromising in her discipline was how Vivian described herself in the movie. She says this with some regret as her doctor – who is very fascinated with research – also is uncompromising in his discipline of research. Uncompromising in this context means no grace, no kindness, no mercy. No human touch. No compassion.

I walked away from it moved and encouraged by its simple truths. There was a pureness to it. A honesty where you were surprised at what you found.

The scene that runs through my mind again and again is near the end. A former professor of hers comes to visit Vivian in the hospital. Vivian is in agony and is moaning with pain. You can see the anxiety and unrest. Her professor reads her a book she has purchased for her great-grandson called The Runaway Bunny. It’s a simple story that follows a baby bunny who threatens to run away from his mother. His mother promises her baby that she will always find him.

The professor adds a few sentences. “Look at that. A little allegory of the soul. Wherever it hides, God will find it.” And Vivian melts into a peaceful sleep.

It was tender and compassionate scene. It reminded me that God sometimes soothes our souls in the littlest ways, with His simple touches of kindness. A sunny day. A soft dog to cuddle with. A phone call from a friend. A hug from a spouse. God touches us, chases us, and finds us every day in ways that are meaningful to us. But sometimes - often! - they are so small and simple, if we are not watching and listening, we miss them.

It also reminded me that we are all humans before we are anything else. Before any profession that we follow, we are humans first. And interacting with each other on that level is the simplest, kindest thing we can do. Whatever our role to play in life is, it should not be lacking kindness and grace.

It was more than a movie to me. It was a fresh perspective. It was a reminder to me of what is really important in life as I interact with others. I can certainly be “uncompromising in my discipline”. Sometimes I have to work at having fun. I become so focused on my tasks that I do not see or care for those around me.Or take the time to enjoy them.

I guess you could say this was my reminder to stop and smell the roses. With the roses being people. And the smelling being extending kindness and grace.

Running

So, Joa signed us up for the Warrior Dash in Austin at the end of November. At first I was excited. After all, I could use a little fun in my life. It’s a three mile race…with an obstacle course throughout. I will never run a marathon and maybe not even a half-marathon so this was a good “I’ve-done-something-big-or-unusual” goal to accomplish.

Then I started training and realized I could barely run two miles, let alone three with an obstacle course. I started to panic. Would this be yet one more thing that I felt I failed at? I certainly didn’t need anything to add to that list.

I really don’t like running. I am not energized by it. I usually have a headache after I am done. My knees ache so I don’t sleep well at night after I have run. I like my little workout videos better; I have been pushed and sweat but I can still walk after. I know a lot of people love running. I am just not one of them.

But I thought of it in connection with a book I have been reading called Anonymous by Alicia Britt Chole. She talks about the hidden or unnoticed times in Jesus’ life and how that prepared Him for His revealed and public times. This morning I was reading about His temptation in the dessert, specifically where Satan tempts Him to turn stones into bread (Matthew 4:3-4). These paragraphs she wrote about it stood out to me.

“I find it noteworthy that Satan did not suggest that Jesus run into town and steal some food – that would have been a blatant violation of God’s commandments. But eating? Food in itself is not sinful. And here is where Satan’s lures can be deceptive. This layer was not about what Jesus would eat as much as it was about when Jesus would eat. Would He obey Father God even when obedience required delayed satisfaction of legitimate needs?”

“In the layer of appetite, we witness Satan’s skillful use of a most effective lure: immediate gratification. Feel familiar? Surely this is still one of humanity’s greatest weaknesses. In our day, we are unapologetically addicted to the immediate; we feel justifiably discontent with delay. Why should we wait when it is in our power not to?” (I might add…why should we run and exercise our bodies when it hurts so much)

“In isolation, this suggestion may have seemed reasonable enough for someone who had been without food for forty days in a wilderness. But Jesus did not allow the moments of his life to exist in isolation. He constantly connected them and placed them in light of God’s will. Jesus knew that sacrificing his body on the cross in the future would be impossible if at this layer he chose to feed his flesh in the dessert.”

Wow. That puts things into perspective for me. I hate running because it’s work. I want instant results. Not just with running but in my life. I want sanctification without working hard. I want growth without the pain. I want a good relationship without any conflict in marriage. I want to not sin without having to make the hard choices not to sin. I want to honor God without taking the time or the energy or the money it takes to honor God. I want my plan for my life to be God’s plan, and I want Him to act in my timing. I want all the best with no work, wait or pain. But that simply isn’t the best. It is the work, the wait and the pain that God uses to make it the best in my life and in me. Lord, help me to see and surrender to Your way!

Romans 5:3-5 seems like a perfect reminder that struggling through those hard things with God – our sins, others’ sins against us, heartbreaks and disappointments, anger with God, life not turning out the way you expected, you fill in the blank – is really worth it. They are really used by God. And allowed by God. And chosen by God. “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”