Grace

I wrote this last year but never got around to posting it. Several months later, it's still a powerful reminder of grace to me. I thought it was a good first blog for the new year.

I am tall and I have very bad depth perception. Those two things make an embarrassing and clumsy combination.

When I was little I hated to be so tall. I was so thankful to have a friend, Ruth Anne, as tall as me. They called us Twin Towers. We, the tall ones, survived together while everyone else was at least a foot shorter than us.

Today I love that I am tall but I think the bad depth perception doesn’t help me out at all. I still end up being a bit clumsy. When I first got married, my poor husband had to put up with getting scratched and bumped accidentally. At least I can tell how close he is these days – less accidental hurting going on – but I still am clumsy. A few months ago I literally walked into the bumper of a SUV. I thought it was farther away. And I did the quick look around to see if anyone saw me, as if that changed things for better or worse if there was a witness.

Yesterday, I had relational clumsiness. I had an emotional meltdown at work. As hard as I tried to keep it together and as hard as I tried to hold it back, I couldn’t. I sobbed. It was embarrassing. Then my kind bosses sent me home to take a nap, where I woke up refreshed and thought “who was that sobbing woman”? I am still not totally sure what happened yesterday.

I was so embarrassed. But (after my nap) when I regained my normal senses, I thought the whole event was very significant. I felt God dumping His grace and acceptance on me yesterday in very tangible ways. There is something wonderful about being vulnerable (even if you can’t help it) and being accepted. Being understood. Being cared for. That as clumsy as I can be sometimes relationally (as well as physically!), there is grace in that.

I think we all kind of bumble around in our own ways. We all have days when we are weak. We all have areas - not sin, mind you – but areas simply that annoy us, that make us look weak, that we wish we didn’t have that God says – I gave that to you. Without my clumsiness relationally, I would certainly not have opened myself up at work like I did yesterday. I wish I could have held it together and looked competent instead of pitiful with a tear stained face. But I experienced acceptance that I would not have seen.

I guess I just wanted to say to all you perfectionists (like me) out there – it’s worth it. Stop the lies in your head. You will not be less valuable if you look less perfect or perform less perfect or act less perfect. I hated how embarrassed I felt after my emotional meltdown yesterday. But since God wanted to remind me my acceptance was in who I am, not what I do, He pushed all my buttons (in a good way) so the tears flowed. And I am glad I have bosses who know me and accept me. Thank you Cathy and Phillip.