Winter

I am sleepless these days. When I was little I had many nights like this. I don’t know why, but I often couldn’t sleep. As an adult, I go through seasons where I sleep very well and then seasons where try as I might, I toss and turn all night. I hate being awake when everyone is asleep. It makes me feel very alone in a quiet dark world.

When I was little and couldn’t sleep, if the light was still on in the kitchen I would go out there. My dad, who typically never put me to bed, would tickle me and send me back to bed. This morning I wondered if I was able to sleep not because he tickled me but because I knew someone else was still awake in the house. And if I needed to, I could come find them and not be alone. And that was reassuring.

Being sleepless is not the worst thing in the world but this is my vacation. This is one of the few times every couple of years that I literally can sleep in every morning if I want to. And yet I can’t fall asleep at night, I toss and turn, and eventually get up early. To try to understand it doesn’t make sense. To try the usual sleep aids don’t work. But I know eventually I will be so tired that I will crash and sleep well. I know this is a season that will come and go.

That’s helpful to know because it reminds me that there are other seasons in my life. It has been a hard past semester for many reasons. One of those is adoption – or lack of – but that is not the only thing. I was hoping, after what felt like a hard winter of the soul, that we would come to Brazil and all our problems and struggles would disappear. I was hoping for a vacation from struggling. Although I have had many good days here, that is not true.

In the midst of this, Joa brought a book recommended by a friend and that has been a great source of comfort. It is called Spiritual Rhythm by Mark Buchanan. It talks about how the four seasons of nature can coincide with the seasons of our spiritual life. Basically, that we all experience different seasons of life in our spiritual life. None of them, either the good or the bad, the thrilling or the struggling, last forever. Each one has a purpose that God is leading us through. None of the them are wasted.

What Mark Buchanan writes about the winter season has given words to what I feel inside but haven’t been able to verbalize. Even though Christmas is just around the corner, I feel like I am in Narnia with the White Witch reigning where it’s always winter but never Christmas. Reading the book has not changed anything about my circumstances – it’s still winter – but that has given me a new perspective. This is just a season. It feels long, like South Dakota winters I grew up in, but it won’t last forever. Spring will come. I will feel the sunshine on my soul again just as I do outside.

A season is just a season. My circumstances aren’t my foundation or my security. So, in some similar ways, when I am in my winter season, I do the same thing as when I was little and couldn’t sleep. I go to my Heavenly Father. He is always awake. He never sleeps. That brings a lot of comfort and security.

So, as you potentially wish you were here with us, enjoying the beach and the sun and the vacation time, could you also say a prayer for God’s good work to continue to be done in my heart here? He doesn’t waste whatever season He puts us in.