Still March 30th!

The c-section is still scheduled for Friday, March 30th, at 9 AM. The doctor said even today baby girl was moving around so that's wonderful news. They are still monitoring the birth mother's health, but she is intent on doing all she can for a safe entry for baby girl. We are so grateful for her sacrificial love for baby girl. This pregnancy has been a hard one for her. Joa will be fulfilling a prior commitment in Kansas City that Friday night and Saturday, but will be in San Antonio late Saturday night. We could sign the papers as early as Sunday morning or it might be Monday, depending on how the birth mother is doing after her c-section.

We are so grateful for some newly found friends who have offered to let us stay with them in San Antonio. We know their father well, but this will be the first time meeting them. And - of course, with all the craziness of this weekend - they will be in Dallas this weekend but will still let us stay in their house. Whew!

God continues to pull the details together. It has been encouraging to see how faithful He has already been to prepare things we could never imagine would need preparing; that helps me with the details still up in the air. I certainly would have picked a calmer weekend with not so many curve balls if I was God but I guess that's the point - I am not. And even these details fulfill His purposes. I may not know what His specific purposes are, but I can trust Him. The agency has warned me how emotionally hard Friday and Saturday will be, especially with Joa gone. I am checking out options but know that God already knew that detail before we did. And maybe He has a few things to show me in the waiting alone there, like more of His presence. Or maybe one of my options will work out and that will be good too. 

On a different note, today was my last day at work. I got a sweet and supportive send off from everyone there. Although I am pretty excited about the next stage in life, parting is bittersweet.

And as I close, I want to thank you all for your prayers and wishes. As you can imagine, this has been one of the most thrilling times in my life...and the most terrifyingly scary times. We have had plenty of ups and downs, days of peace and days of stress, but I know the Lord works His will through your prayers. They make a great difference to us.

March 30th (or before...)

We received another update. The time is getting close. It may be this week or next week but if neither, they have decided to do a c-section next Friday (March 30th). We are thrilled and terrified.

Please continue to pray for the health of the birthmother and baby girl. We are thankful things look good (as good as they can look at this earlier stage). Please pray for the timing of it all; there are some big details that need to be worked out. Please pray for God to increase our trust in Him, and His timing and goodness, that we would walk by faith in Him during this exciting and overwhelming time. Please pray for all the insurance details to come together. We are very grateful for a place to stay in San Antonio as it looks like baby girl will be in the hospital several weeks.

This is an exciting but scary time. We so appreciate your prayers. Thanks for being a part of our lives.

The Adoption Call Has Come!

We finally got “the adoption call” we have waited so long for. We were matched with a birthmother through our agency. We met with the birthmother and her sister last week. It was a great meeting. We came away thrilled and terrified.

The baby girl is not due until the middle of May. But already we have received news the birthmother was sent to the hospital after one of her doctor appointments. She will remain there until her doctor determines a c-section is necessary. Here is a bit of an update we got from our agency:

“She reported that the they were concerned that perhaps the baby was not growing enough or getting enough oxygen; blood may not be flowing through umbilical cord like it should be— that there are pauses, which means that the baby is not getting enough nutrients. The baby is moving around which is good. The doctors want to keep her in as long as possible and ‘buy time’ for baby to grow more.  She said it has to do with her high blood pressure.”

Her doctor is out of town until the 18^th. That would be the earliest they might schedule a c-section, though we are all hoping it will be at least several more weeks. The birthmother is currently 29 weeks pregnant.

This week we also found out my grandma is not doing well. She is no longer eating or drinking, and her body is shutting down. The doctors said it would only be a few days. Although she is not eating or drinking, they have given her a pain patch to make her comfortable. She is 94 and has lived a full life. At this point, we are planning on going to the funeral in South Dakota to be with family since she is already unresponsive.

Joa left this morning for a business trip for three days. He started to get sick last night. He gets home late Friday night and then we more than likely will be heading to South Dakota Saturday morning. It’s about a 17 hour drive.

All these events have overwhelmed us a bit. We are thrilled about the possible adoption, but nothing is a guarantee until the papers are signed. They can’t be signed until 48 hours after birth according to Texas law. The birthfather knows about the pregnancy but is uninterested and out of the picture. The birthmother is determined to choose the plan of adoption for baby girl, but half of her family is supportive and half of her family isn’t.

Prayer requests:

-Pray for us, that we choose to walk in faith not anxiety. We know this could end differently than we want it to, just like with Ethan. Pray that we would choose to trust God’s sovereignty and goodness.

-Pray that we trust God’s timing and trust Him to work out all the details we can’t. I think we were envisioning the worst case scenario yesterday, that we would be driving to or in South Dakota when the agency would let us know we need to come to San Antonio (where the birthmother lives) for baby girl’s birth. There is a 22 hour drive time between South Dakota and San Antonio!  

-Pray for birthmother (Irene) and baby girl’s health. Pray for wisdom for the doctor to make accurate and timely decisions about Irene and baby girl. Pray baby girl is able to remain and grow with adequate nutrients in the womb for several more weeks.

-Pray for my grandma, for peace and no pain.

-Pray for our time together as a family, that God would continue the redemption and restoration He wants. For a time of celebrating my grandma’s life as well as grieving her loss.

-Pray for safety in driving to South Dakota soon for the funeral.

-Pray for God’s provision as we may have a few surprise expenses we had not planned on if baby girl comes early and stays in the hospital for a few weeks.

I will be posting any updates or changes here on my blog and posting a link on facebook. If you do want to get an email update, we would be happy to send it. Just let us know!

Thanks for your support in this LONG adoption journey. We are grateful and blessed to have your care and prayers.

Love

Connie (and Joa)

Where is God?

I almost died last night.

           

At first, I didn’t realize what would have happened. I angrily honked my horn at the speeding driver who blew through his stop sign. Then I started to shake as I envisioned the scene that would have ensued if I had gone – as was my right and as I had thought about doing – without waiting to see if he had stopped. If I had turned directly into his path, he would have barreled into the driver’s side door full on. Whatever the consequences would have been, they would have not been good.

I started shaking, crying, and thanking God.

He turned my mind back to the trip from Brazil we had just returned from. When I was there, I kept silently asking God, where are you? I don’t see you at work. I see street kids who beg for their survival, I see the underfed and overworked horses, I see that although there is much to enjoy about Brazil, there seems to be also be so much grief and sorrow. On our last day there, on the way to the airport, we saw a corpse, recently struck and killed by a car, covered with a blanket, his bloody curls the only thing sticking out. Sinful, sorrowful, heartbreaking things are happening here and all over the world like in Brazil. Where is God in all of that?

           

I graduated from Bible College. I graduated from seminary. I know the correct answers, the answers that are true regardless of my feelings. But I needed God to speak to my heart. I asked over and over again for us to get a glimpse of where He was at work. I didn’t think that prayer had been answered, especially when one of the last images I left Brazil with was the man struck dead by the side of the road.

           

But experience last night left me renewed and refreshed. It was like God whispered to me, this is where I am, working and redeeming in individual lives. Savings lives from accidents, healing hearts from wounds, drawing the lost, lonely and brokenhearted to Myself. As His children, everything that comes into our lives has been sifted through His love and sovereignty, the good and the bad. I think it is easy to look at the world as a whole and wonder where God is, but He is most clearly seen in the stories of our lives. That is one more reminder to me of His personal care for us.

Disclaimer: this is only my little perspective. There are many books that are exhaustive in covering why bad things happen, and where is God when He doesn’t seem to be there.

The Only Update We Have

Many times we get asked "what is the latest news for your adoption?" We haven't had anything to share for almost 2 years now. Ugh. But I thought it would be nice to share the only updates we do get. The rest of this post is an email from the director of Generations, shared with her permission. We hate the wait, but we are so grateful to wait with Generations. They are always so good at encouraging us and helping us keep our focus on God.

So what's up with Generations? We are so busy. God is so good. It can be so hard. We are praying and seeking Him, and on the ride with Him. He is in control and navigating our path. We are listening and following His directions. God has invited you to join us on the ride. We try our best to protect you from some of the crazy drivers out there! And we try to navigate around the potholes and storms as best we can. Because we have precious cargo onboard - YOU. And we don’t want you to be hurt or jarred, or scared one moment of the trip, your trip.

God is blessing us with many birthmoms - at varying stages. We are traveling as far south as San Antonio with two birthmoms and north of Dallas. We are providing a training to multiple pregnancy centers to equip volunteers and staff to share adoption well and comfortably with expectant moms - tomorrow we are in Killeen, the next week in Hutto, the next week in Burleson (new contact), and shortly after in Bastrop.

We have had some birthmoms facing challenging situations. We are always thankful for our amazing attorney, Dave Cole. He walks us through each case step by step to navigate. We have had birthmoms with husbands that had to sign and they did; birthmoms who conceived in another state and we have to follow that state's laws to notify birthfathers, just to name a few.

We have a lot of variety of birthmoms now, in ages, backgrounds, and of many different races. Some will have more families to view; some not very many. All are amazing courageous women, truly seeking what is best for their baby. Some long to meet 'the' family, others are scared. Some aren’t sure what type of adoption they want. They worry about the birthfather. They worry about the baby’s health. They worry if the family will like them and love their baby. They worry what their child will think of them one day. They worry....

Recently, I heard a staff that 'adoption' means 'wait.' I thought to myself how true that is. Work hard, hurry up, and wait. And yet, I thought how much God waits on me, on us... to obey...to seek Him with our whole heart...to turn over everything to Him once and for all... to pray first before reacting...to keep our eyes on Him and only glance at the problem at hand. 

Recently, I read a post, posted by someone else! It was from a waiting mom, Jen Hatmaker, who I don't even know. Gotta love Facebook, huh? But I thought it was so good I wanted to share a part. She said that a common theme revealed itself throughout their adoption journey, with all the unexpected twists and turns and emotions. She said this rhythm began to take place:

me "God, we're confused."
God "I'm not done yet."

"When God said he wasn't done yet, he just wasn't done yet. He wasn't speaking in code. It wasn't a trick. The story was still in the middle, but I wanted to flip ahead to the end, past the conflict and struggle and straight to the happy ending. As Keeper of the Story, God knew the whole plot... If you are confused right now, if your story isn't going the way you thought, or if you're tangled up in the messy middle where hope is deferred, dear reader, it could just be that God isn't done yet. Your story is not finished. Every hero and heroine must wade through the conflict to get to the end, and you can trust God because he is good. If you have nothing else to cling to, remember this: God is good. He loves goodness and justice. He heals and redeems. He is on the side of love and beauty. He is for you. He is never against you. You may be against you, other people may be against you, but God is not against you.  It is okay to be confused; I'm afraid that is our lot as finite creatures dealing with an infinite God. Some of God's best heros were confused in their subplots. But I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on. Because God is good and he is for goodness."

Untold Stories

“Sometimes our own stories are the ones we can never tell. But if a story is never told, it becomes something else - forgotten.”

These words begin the movie Sarah’s Key. What whisked me into this anything but cheery movie was how it illustrated the stories of our lives, particularly the untold stories. “We are shaped by our history,” a father tells a son who doesn’t know his history because he didn’t know his mother’s history. We can’t change our stories, our histories, in some ways. They are what they are. But what we do with them, where we chose to go next, this we choose.

The main character of the story chose not to tell her story. Not to those around her, not to her son. In the end, this drove her to make a drastic choice. I feel very passionate about this, telling our stories. As someone who has kept a part of my story untold for years, this movie struck me to the core. I was more fully me – for lack of better way to explain it – after I shared. Free from the weight of the past. The past was still there and unchanged. But I was changed and experienced freedom by telling my story. The last three years of my life were very, very dark as I struggled through the lies of my story to get to the truth. Now, after that hard work and wading through those dark years, I rest in my freedom, in God’s restoration and healing. But there were many times the last three years I could not see hope and I much rather would have been in heaven than here.

I did a lot of hard work in trying to share (and gain freedom) from the grip and prison my untold story held over me. Counseling, groups, talking, journaling, sitting in the pain. Choosing to move forward instead of being overcome by it, trusting God was really leading me towards more life instead of this death I was living in.

One of the biggest steps was sharing my untold story and having trusted friends support, listen and lead me to God’s truth. Please, if you are in a dark time now, unable to see hope – reach out to trusted individuals until you find help. The right people are willing if only you tell your untold story.

It won’t be easy. There will be a price to pay for speaking the truth. Yours and other lives will be changed – some for good and some for bad. But for me, there came a point where it cost more to stay where I was in lies than stepping into pain and darkness, groping for truth.

If you seek truth in God, He will grant you freedom in His time and way. There is always healing and forgiveness for those who seek God. Not instantly. Not without pain or cost. Not on our timetable. But remember in your darkest time it is there.

“When a story is told, it is not forgotten. It becomes something else – a memory of who we were, the hope of what we can become.”

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

The start of a new year is always frustrating to me in the sense that failure seems to loom. It’s those dreaded New Year’s resolutions. Ugh. Mine are similar each year but can never be fully accomplished in this life. And since my resolutions usually end up being a big list of things to do, it gets wearisome very quickly. And I give up. And feel failure.

But I read a blog by Ann Voskamp this week that I really liked in terms of New Year’s resolutions. It was simple, fresh, hopeful and practical. Her blog gave me a fresh perspective in looking at my goals. Instead of my resolutions being a list of things I want to conquer, this year I want to look bigger and see what God wants to do in and through me, specifically with the area of fear.

For too long, fear has been my close friend, especially fear of failure. For too long, I have been judging my success or failure by my ability to complete my to do list. For too long, I have stayed the safe route. For too long I have hung back when I should move forward.

So this year, I have a somewhat vague goal. Maybe it’s just a starting point for next year. Instead of having a checklist of goals, I want to be aware of where fear creeps in and paralyzes in various areas of my life: my relationship with God, with Joa, with others. My job, my choices, how I spend my time. Then I want to bring that fear to God and ask Him what He is going to do and what He wants me to do about it. I am sure after I am more aware of fear in those areas, I will want to make a checklist. But, in all my many checklist making days, I have learned that sometimes that just isn’t the answer. That God doesn’t work by checklists. A checklist to me means I can accomplish it, if I can just complete the checklist. It leaves God out of the picture. I need God for lasting growth and change. I need Him to step in. So I am cautiously happy about my New Year’s resolution.

Here is the link to Ann Voskamp’s blog: www.aholyexperience.com/2011/12/5-steps-to-making-new-years-resolutions-happen/