What does a dead phone, a dead car, and 635 equal?

I forget so quickly what God has already taught me.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully put into words what our experience with Lili meant to me. It was a time to fully love and care for this little girl, and that in itself was beautiful. But it was also a time where God loved and pursued me in a way I had never experienced before. Daily I saw what He provided truly was sufficient and learned I could trust His grace for each day. I thought I did, at least.

And then, last week, I was back to the old Connie. The one I really don’t like. The one that worries and frets so much she gives herself a headache. The one that thinks she is responsible for the world, and so if there is a problem, it must be beaten to death by analyzing it and coming up with her solution. Then the obvious next step is manipulating and controlling to get circumstances to align to what she thinks is best.

I have lived that way most of my life. I really hate it. But somehow it all snuck up on me again. We are looking at a house projects list that is too long (and too expensive). Both of us are going to be in school again (Yes!! I need to write another blog about that! I am going back to school in the fall!).  I started to worry about finances, always my tender spot. My phone keeps dying when it shouldn’t. And yesterday, after my phone died, my car died too. Right on 635. Ugh.

I want to be the new Connie again, the one God has done so much work in. I want to walk in faith and trust, not self-reliance, self-sufficiency and a worried heart. How easy it is to slip back into the old patterns. How easy it is for fear to spiral so quickly into this deep, dark pit I can’t seem to get out of. How hard it is to fully trust God. How much work it really does take to walk by faith. I don’t have to create the faith – God gives that to me as a gift – but I do have to choose to walk in it or not. And it is not an easy path.

Things have always been so much clearer for me written down. They get jumbled up in my head. So, here I am, confessing my failure, making clear what has really happened. It is not my circumstances; it is my choice of coping. Trying to be God by fighting for my own solutions instead of running to God asking for His solutions. 

He brought me back to reality yesterday when my car died on 635. Although my phone was dead, I was not by myself, but was accompanied by Joa and a friend. My car died in such a spot that Joa was able to push it over to the side of the road and nestle my car safely between a cluster of construction barrels. It happened yesterday, not going to or coming home from work, when I was by myself with my unreliable phone. Our dear friend who was riding with us graciously and patiently waited for help to arrive. My wonderful husband took good care of me, called some friends to pick up our friend and me, and waited in the heat for close to three hours before the tow truck arrived. Joa even remarked as we drove his car home from the shop, other than taking so much time, the car break down event really went very smoothly.

Through that situation, I could almost hear God whisper “See? I took care of everything you needed today. I do that every day, one day at a time. Trust me each day.”

So, what does a dead phone, a dead car and 635 equal? Well, gratefully, because of God’s grace, yesterday it equaled the perfect reminder and His peace to continue trusting Him day by day.