Living Life

In many ways, having Lili for two months was one of the greatest gifts from God. And in many ways, losing Lili was also one of the greatest gifts from God. It was transformational for me.

We started our adoption journey in January 2008. It has been almost five long years. Every birthday that would pass, every Christmas, every Easter I would think, surely, next year by this time we will have a child in our homes. Surely.

And during that time, I gave up pursuing any dreams I had because I always wanted to be ready – at any moment – to be a stay at home mom. I didn’t make any huge commitments. I didn’t start more schooling. I actually forgot about any other dreams I might have. I just waited and waited for one of my big dreams of being a mom to come true. And as I waited, my life became a bit coma-like. 

Then Lili came and went. As I stepped back into my old life, the one I had before Lili, I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I had woken up from the non-life coma I was living. I realized in my waiting, I had really put everything on hold. Everything. I remembered again I had dreams hidden in my heart. I started looking for jobs but all the jobs I was interested in required I be an LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor). I got discouraged. I had all my crises together: identity, mid-life, job. My world seemed turned upside down and I didn’t know which way to go. I felt so lost. Of all the emotions that saturated my life after the loss of Lili, feeling very lost was one of the pervasive ones.

God was so tender and gracious to me. He took me by the hand and kept dropping things in my lap. Like a job possibility where my would-be boss hunted me down and asked me to consider this job instead of me finding and applying for it. I accepted this job and while I waited over a month to actually start the job, God used it in other ways. Like sneakily growing the desire to go back to school from a “I will if it is free through my job” to “I MUST go back to school; I will be going the wrong way if I don’t.” That is a big change, folks, from a girl who thought she would never go back to school. I am giddy even now as I wait for school to start in a few weeks. I submitted my application the day before the deadline and I was accepted into the school of my choice. God directed me to yet another job, a part time job where I actually now work, that will be paying monthly for Joa’s school bill, my school bill, and our new (to us) car payment so we will continue to live debt free (Thank You, God). I have already signed up for my first two classes in the fall at Dallas Theological Seminary in the counseling program. I can't wait for school to start. 

When I look back at all these things God did in my life, I am amazed. I feel a bit like a new Christian, when everything is going your way and things are easy. It’s a nice break from some of the tough, hard things we have gone through in the past couple years, but I know it won’t last. Regardless, I know God loves me and He will be faithful. And if we had never had (and lost) Lili, I will still be living in my non-life coma and probably finding it harder and harder to breath every day. He really used her as a catalyst for growth and change in so many areas of my life. I am so grateful for that and for His tender love towards us, even though sometimes it is very painful.