I still miss Lili...

I wrote this yesterday but didn't get it posted. Thankfully, today is a better day. I am sure my future days will be filled with both good and bad days. 

The chaos of grief inside is back again. This time, maybe for one of the first times since the loss of Lili, I notice it.

I did not notice it last week, but I noticed the aftermath it left when I didn’t take note of it. Too much food and too many sweets shoved in to fill the void, to calm the chaos, to soothe the soul did none of those things.

Internally, my emotional state has been much like a small child who hits their head hard. The first bit of time goes by with shock and silence. If you are a bystander watching, you may even think the child is okay. Then the blood curdling scream that had been building inside comes. You parents of young children know exactly what I am talking about.

Grief has been that way for me this time.  I have been grieving but suddenly it took a deeper, darker turn. The thing I love about grief is that it allows us to process a hurtful or harmful event and move on. Can you imagine how stuck we would all be without that gift from God? But the thing I hate about grief is that it can jumble all my thoughts and make me feel a bit crazy.

And this chaos of grief inside, if I just try to smother it with food or projects or cleaning or whatever, only gets worse. It only feeds the thoughts that seem to get a bit crazy. The chaos remains with words that need to be spoken. It has something to say about my situation and about how I am responding (or ignoring) what has been going on as a result of losing Lili.

I have only blogged when I was feeling good. And anything I have blogged has been true. God has been, is and will be faithful to sustain and comfort us. He is doing a new thing in my life as a direct result of our experience with Lili. I have comfort and hope. A price can’t be put on the good He brought out of this situation.

But we still paid a price for it all and we still hurt. As a friend pointed out, although it is great to share what God is doing, it is also okay to share how I am doing on the bad days. My typical response is to hide until I am doing well. Today I will try something different. And, hopefully, in giving voice to the grief and pain inside I call chaos, I will give it the voice it needs to actually fill the void, to calm the chaos, to soothe the soul. As much as anything in this life ever can.

I’ll just share a few thoughts. 

I still think of Lili. I still miss her. I still want to know if others think of her along with us. I watch the movie I watched the day we lost her, and I cry. I walk through the baby food aisle at Walmart and randomly check to see if her type of formula is there, and I can’t find it. And I cry. I see a little baby being held at church and I cry. I go to yoga and see a mom who has a two month old and I cry. I go to yoga and the instructor’s music track contains Hush, Little Baby and I cry. It was the only lullaby I knew and sang to Lili. The pang of grief goes through me when I use the alarm on my cell phone. When I glance at her now empty room. Sometimes when I am up late at night. A knife seems to shoot through me when I see her looking at me from the cover of her photo book.

I have good days, and I feel guilty that I don’t feel worse. I fear that means I didn’t love her if I don’t think of her every day. I have bad days when all I seem to do is cry, and I wonder when it will end. And I know it is all a bit crazily normal. That grief comes and goes in waves. That I loved her with all my heart but in the end it was not my choice where she grows up. And though I will carry her with me in my heart, she is not mine to keep. I wonder if for our next placement we will get a little boy who we will love and cherish and adore…but for now that is a part of me that says it will never be the same as Lili. And it won’t. Ever. No one can replace her. But that is not what God intends. And that doesn't mean I can't love again.

I know how this goes from our last adoption disruption, though each is probably different. I will remember her each month on the day she was born (the 30^th). I will probably remember and count the months on each 4^th, the day we lost her. I will grieve on her birthday each year. I started crying today as I thought how will we even be able to explain to our child/children who she was? Your sister? No, but we had hoped so.

There are three things that I have chosen to remember and live by on the bad days . One, that I can always grieve. Her loss was like death to us. It was a loss that cut deep, regardless of all the good God is doing through it. So I will never say it is not okay to grieve her. Two, I will remind myself I am not stuck in grief. My sad and bad days will not last forever, but it is important to continue to grieve as necessary. This is normal. Three, I will let it be a reminder to continue to pray for her. I can’t bring her back to our family. I can’t change my feelings of grief. There are just certain things I am stuck with in this situation. But I can pray. And I know that is one of the best ways to continue to love that dear little girl.

Thanks for sticking with me in this post. It was a bit disjointed. If you have memories or thoughts of Lili, would you mind sharing? I would love to know she is not forgotten by others as well.