Restoration and Redemption

I don’t think my emotions are ever going to be the same for awhile. And that is probably a really good sign.

I stood over Liliana this morning, filled with emotions I am not sure I can fully name. Love, hope, joy. And restoration and redemption.

I thought back through our adoption journey. It was April 7, 2007 – Easter weekend – that I had the surgery that changed everything. How interesting that God planned for this dear little child to be born five years after we found out we would not be able to have children.

God has shown His tender love for me these past few Aprils, a time when I usually tend to be remembering the loss of our dreams of children. Right or wrong, when we found out I could not get pregnant, that loss has felt to me as big as the loss of a loved one. The pain comes and goes, fades with time, but you will never forget.

I don’t grieve the fact (anymore) that we can’t have biological children. I grieve the fact that adoption can take so long, be so hard and cost so much. I thought I was ready to be a mommy a good five years ago, if not before.  I cringe if I think about how long adopting a second child might take, though we have learned so much and will probably take a different route next time.

I don’t know why God brought Ethan and his family into our lives for a short time two years ago. I don’t know why we have had to wait so long. But maybe, today, as I gaze at Liliana, I see bit and pieces of what God has been doing.

Personally, the last three years have held a lot of healing and growth for me. As much as I would have loved being a mommy, God’s timing allowed me to have time, energy, and resources to work on the areas in my life that were not well.

Even the timing of Lili’s earlier than expected birth was interesting timing. While we were at my grandma’s funeral, although we grieved her loss, we celebrated the possibility of new life into the family. My brother had even gone so far to say – in a different context – that children are what draws our family together when we are at a family gathering. I thought of how the news of Lili – still unguaranteed at that time – brought out celebrating and excitement. Our family can tend to be quieter, more reserved, and not necessarily filed with emotion. But they were excited. I think I even heard a squeal of delight from my aunt. They wanted to celebrate and be a part of this joy.

It made me think that God really knows what He is doing. God will use dear Liliana’s story in ways we don’t know now, maybe to bring more restoration and redemption. That is the story of adoption – our adoption of Liliana, and God’s adoption of us as children. We even celebrate the birth of another baby long ago, who on this weekend, took on our sins so that we could be adopted into the family of God.

Yes, God really knows what He is doing. It’s nice to sit back, see the glimpses He has given me, and just smile. A really big smile.

Happy Easter, everyone!

P.S. A blog with Lili’s updates is coming very, very soon.