Sad Days

Today is a sad day. We had heard about a birthmom choosing soon, and it was one of the rare occasions where we needed to be contacted to confirm we wanted our profile to be shown to her. She is due in January with a baby girl.

Yesterday we found out she had chosen a family, and it wasn’t us.

I had been praying about this each day, telling God I knew He really knew what was best, and asking Him to provide it. But I confess I was sad and discouraged when once again, it didn’t turn out that our dream of being parents at this time was what was best.

Of course, it is okay to grieve that. I think we probably don’t grieve enough as a culture. We are too quick to move on. We want to stay busy instead of sit in those hard, overwhelming feelings of grief. So it was okay to be sad yet again (though sometimes I am really just tired of being sad).

But I thought it was ironic that I had prayed and asked God to work out the situation according to His will, knowing He knew best. That I had told Him I trusted Him to do this and I trusted Him with the outcome. And yet, in the end, I was sad I didn’t get my way. It reminds me a bit of the old Connie, the one who said she trusted God but who meant she trusted Him only if He did things her way. That is not trust; that is manipulation. I don’t want to walk in that again. I really do want to choose trust.

I am thankful we have a faithful God who really knows what is best and is working according to His plans and purposes for His glory and my very best good. I don’t think we often get to know the “whys” here on earth and the ways God used situations and circumstances. But I am thankful for the glimpes He has given me, and I was reminded of them again this morning.

I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I highly value motherhood and know the value God places on it as well. And I pray, Lord willing, I will still someday get to be a mother. But in this long adoption wait, God has also made it clear to me my focus is too narrow. When He gives me the blessings (and struggles) of motherhood, I want to do that wholeheartedly. But kids grow up, move out and get their own lives. Through this process He reminded me to open my eyes to what else He might have for me that I can focus on now while He chooses we remain childless. And He has done some of the necessary work through our adoption journey.

If we would have been able to have biological children years ago, I would have been content to be a mom. For a while. But I know me and so does God. I would make my children my idol, and not pursue using the other gifts God has given me. Through this adoption journey, God has actually shaped me more for the future He has for us. He used all this waiting time to help me see I was not really living and using what He has given me. He used losing Lili to get me back in school, working on my counseling degree. He used our personal experience to grow in my heart a desire to work in the adoption field in counseling. I am excited to see how Joa and I can work together counseling wise once I am finished. God is really working together some beautiful things in my life I would have missed out on, had we been able to have biological children.

That doesn’t make the adoption wait less painful. But it does help me to continue to trust a faithful God who really does give us the very best.