Lili Turned Five Months

Lili turned five months on Thursday (August 30^th). I did not consciously remember the date, though since I started at DTS I have cried for her each day I was there, so she definitely has been on my mind.

This morning, when we got up, our roommate, Joa and I had all had some form of dream about Lili. What I thought was interesting was that even though I had not consciously acknowledged she turned five months on Thursday, in my dream I told someone she just turned five months. When I woke up, I had to count but realized that was accurate.

My hardest thing with going back to school so far (you know, in my ONE week of school) is that the grief for Lili seems as fresh and in full force as it was when we first lost her. I have cried more tears over her the last week than I have the last two months.

This was not what I expected. This isn’t our first time with grief, or our first time losing a child we thought would be ours forever. I know it ebbs and flows and surprises you at all the unexpected times, and yet still I am surprised. As grateful as I am to be in school, I am also aware had it not been for God working through Lili, I would not be where I am in school. And that just makes me miss her more.

The hardest thing for me has been trying to hold back the tears in class, and just wishing someone would remember with me. Wishing just one more person would know my memories of this dear little girl, and that would help me not feel so alone. I got overwhelmed again today when I started my reading for Norman Human Growth, and some of the topics are infertility and adoption for next week. I took the step to email my teacher and share a bit, knowing that if she just knows, I won’t feel so alone.

Even though the grief has not been as fresh (until this week), I still pray for Lili regularly. I pray for her protection and her salvation. I pray that she would be a game changer for the Lord in her birth family; that God would use her spunk and determination to be one of the things that ultimately changes the path of her birth family’s eternal destination. I mean, come on, He has already used her greatly to change my life. She is going to be a little spitfire; I just continue to pray she is one who knows and loves God from an early age.