Forgiveness

I am thinking about forgiveness today. I am trying to formulate the questions in my mind but they feel a little fuzzy. Things always become clearer as I write. As I write this, I am afraid some of you will read my blog and leave more confused than when you came. I will probably bring up a lot of questions because somehow that gives me the answers I am looking for, though I never really end up with tangible answers. But I will share anyway.

I was faced with the choice to forgive again this week. I say “choice to forgive” because I mean that. As I think about forgiveness, I am struck that we even have that choice. Forgiveness is a big deal. Anyone without Christ – can they truly forgive? Maybe on a human level but if they haven’t experienced forgiveness, will they be willing to offer it? I am thankful to have the choice to forgive. I am also reminded that God calls us to forgive. Silly statement, huh? We all learned that in VBS when we were little. But I have been thinking about what that means, the dynamics of how that plays out in daily life. It is an example of living out the questions of life (another blog on that soon).

I did forgive this week. The relationship has been restored. The offender was truly repentant, did not ask for my forgiveness just to avoid consequences, and understood how I had been hurt by their actions. In many ways, forgiveness was easy to offer in that situation.

However, it was interesting. I saw their repentance, heard their request for forgiveness, and granted it from me. And yet the hurt still lingered throughout the week. I know I have forgiven them. I made the choice to. So what is this lingering emotional pain? What do I do with that? Did I just need to give myself the chance to grieve what had happened? I am big on grieving these days, feeling the freedom and healing that comes with it. Do I just need to give it time? Do I need reminders of the offender’s genuine care of me by future actions and conversation? Do I just need to grow up and get over it? I say this last one a bit sarcastically because typically that means stuff my feelings and ignore dealing with them. I know that is not the choice I want to make.

Then I was reminded of what God keeps bringing up the last few months. This week, my friend is someone I can easily forgive because they have been my friend for a long time. They have shown care and support. They did not intentionally set out to hurt me. And yet the sadness and hurt lingers a bit. But I also know there are people who I have not chosen to forgive. I know, I know, it is really not my choice, if I really want to obey God and make choices that please Him. But right now I am struggling through that.

I know all the biblical truth about forgiveness. I know that Jesus died on the cross to pay for my sins. I know I have been forgiven. I know that is a glorious thing! I know, with the Holy Spirit in me, I have the power to forgive. I know that God calls me to forgive – though not always be reconciled and continue in the relationship! – because He has forgiven me, not because the offender is always repentant.

I know the Christian community is divided here: do you always have to choose to forgive or only if the person asks for forgiveness? I am going to throw in my two cents worth from a purely practical standpoint. Regardless of what you call it, you must do something with sin against you. There are some times when the offender has died, will no longer speak to you, no longer has memory of the event, etc. You do not have to stay trapped in the bondage of unforgiveness. That is the beauty of it. You can forgive without being asked by the offender to forgive. You are being asked by God to forgive – isn’t that enough? It is interesting, the word forgiveness means to release or send away. You may not call it forgiveness, but to have a healthy relationship with God you MUST do something with the sin of others against you. To not be consumed with bitterness you must do something with that. Unforgiveness only keeps you in bondage, never the person who sinned against you. There is a saying about unforgiveness: it is like drinking poison and hoping the person who sinned against you dies. We realize that the analogy is ridiculous but that is also what we are doing when we choose not to forgive. The poison we drink when we do not forgive is bitterness. And although it does not physically kill us, it can greatly damage us spiritually, emotionally, and relationally.

And here I am, preaching to myself. You see, I have forgiven someone in the past that really, really hurt me. His sin has influenced way too much of my life. But this year I began to understand better what his sin was – ugly, manipulative, intentional – and the anger, rage, and yes, even hatred popped up again. My stomach hurts and my heart is pounding a little faster just thinking about it. Before, when I really did make the choice to forgive him, I made excuses for him. I didn’t really see the sin as it was. So, with eyes and a heart that see better this year than in the past, the bitterness has come back. And, sadly, in smaller events of hurt, I realized there are a few other hurts I just haven’t been able to get past. My friend once said that sometimes if a memory keeps coming back, God still has things for you to learn or to process about it. I guess I am not done yet.

And here is where I draw the line and remind myself: even if I offer forgiveness that doesn’t mean I offer reconciliation. No repentance has been evident from this person, in word or action. I am sad by the sin and also sad by the fact there won’t be reconciliation. Isn’t that the happy ending we all long for? Isn’t that what at least a part of God’s redemption is about in this world? What do I do with that, when the reality of what God can do and the reality of life on this sinful world collide?

Well, I have raised too many questions and too big of questions to answer today. But I have wrestled a bit more in my mind and with you all what forgiveness is all about in our lives. I think what, in all of this, I am really trying to imitate is what I friend and I talked about earlier this week. I loved it. I was sharing that it seems like when the real work and growth happens in my life, I can’t explain it or list the 10 steps I took to get there; God did it. She agreed and added to that we always have steps of obedience to God in situations. When we take those steps of obedience, God steps in and does some of His redemptive work. We can’t explain it. We don’t understand how that happened. But in our step of obedience, God follows up with His work.

I am hoping for that with forgiveness. This blog was my way of venting and struggling and thinking through something on my heart. But in the end, I am going to take the step forward of choosing to forgive. And I may have to make the choice to forgive again or remember my choice when the hurt comes up again. But I trust that somehow, when I step out honestly saying before my Father: “I have sat in unforgiveness too long, I still have the pain from it, but I want Your way. I choose forgiveness. Will You help me live that out? Will You make that real in my life?” I know He will.