I have been thinking about Ethan a lot lately. I had to call the hotel this week for something. Then I had to look up the actual hospital address for something. Today for some reason the memories of the phone calls with the caseworker in my work’s parking lot popped into my mind. I wanted to call our caseworker to ask if there is anything behind the scenes going on, but I don’t think I want to know unless there is some level of certainty to it. I know she will call us when she has news. But today it just feels like it is time for another call, like it is time for us to be parents and time for us to have a little one to love.
My heart hurts and longs for a child. So I will cry, but I will sit in my Father’s lap and cry. I can cry with trust. I don’t have to sweep my feelings under a spiritual rug. Crying to my Father brings His soothing comfort and truth. I can acknowledge my feelings and their very realness to me and then look at the reality He has promised me.
Once again I surrender to our Father’s plan. Maybe I am starting to get the hang of this surrender thing. Maybe it’s starting to come a little sooner. I know He has not forgotten us. I know He is working even behind the scenes. I know He really does have perfect plans for us that probably look different than we want or expect. He will work it out. I also know that part of that perfect plan is for today. It doesn’t start in the future when I get what I have been hoping for. It is about growth in the moment. It is about struggle and surrender. It is about knowing Him better.
It is not a bad thing that I am reminded of Ethan. It is not a bad thing that I have to struggle and surrender again. Lord, please make me struggle and surrender rather than sit in my own little made up world where things are the way I want them, and my only hope and satisfaction are the things I have around me. It is good to be broken a little more. It is good to have something that I find hard shift my perspective, shift the lies in my heart about God to the truth about Him. It is good to be reminded that what I really need, every day, desperately, is my Father.
I always love to read your thoughts. Thank you for inviting us into your world. Have you thought about contacting Generations to see if they'd like to put a link to your blog under their waiting families blog? Or if you could put your blogs there? You should try. It will bless others.
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