Obscure Viruses

I had not been feeling myself last week, having a dull headache that wouldn't go away. I say that to explain some of what I am about to share. We went to the doctor on Tuesday for Bella’s six month checkup, and left with the discovery that she had a fever. This will seem silly to most of you, but I didn’t know that a fever was over 100.4. So after the doctor's appointment, I was giving the allotted amount of children’s Tylenol, and she still had a higher than normal temperature, and I was starting to get very worried.

Thursday I was especially emotional and felt a bit crazy. I thought Bella still had a fever, and I worried all the way home from work. Worried that they wouldn't be able to find out what it was. Worried she would die from some obscure virus no one had ever heard of.

I knew all those things were a bit crazy. But I think the thing it reminded me was: there are no guarantees. It was easy for life to go on, for me to get comfortable in my routines with Bella, for me to think that what I have today I will have tomorrow. And the silly fears of losing Bella to some obscure virus really touched a much deeper nerve of our previous losses when the unthinkable did happen.

As grateful as I am for all God taught me through our pain, it made me realize there is still some healing – through trusting – that needs to be done in my heart over losing Lili. I am always worrying about "obscure viruses" that will cause my world to crumble. I have used the attempts to control as a coping mechanism for life for so long that I automatically run back to it instead of choosing to trust God, instead of recalling what I know and experienced to be true: what God gives me is for my very best good. It does not always feel or look like it. But I can trust Him in every circumstance.

Thankfully, Bella is completely fine. She actually had been fever free since Tuesday night, I just didn't know it. But the reality is: I have no guarantees on how long I have her, or any loved ones in my life. And I don’t want to go through life trying to prevent loss, and fearing loss, but instead walking in trust.  It was such a silly reminder this week, but it was a necessary reminder too. I can trust what God brings my way is for my very best good. I would really like to live in that trust instead of my usual response of fear and attempting to control. Apparently, I always need reminders. But I am grateful God faithfully gives me reminders.