Disappointed

It is hard to write this on a blog. But I thought it was important. I am not the only one who has felt this way. To publically acknowledge what I have been feeling is a frightening, dangerous step of freedom. I am going to take it.

I have been disappointed with where I am at and disappointed with God that He hasn’t rescued me. I have felt dissonance in my relationship with God and have been unsure about how to change it. I have felt dissonance in my life and have been unsure about how to change it. I know the two are connected and yet I have been afraid that even if I take steps towards God, I will somehow manage to mess things up so badly that God will throw His hands up and step back. Maybe I think He is as tired of me struggling as I am.

I know all the “right” external things to do. Reading God’s Word. Prayer. Journalling. Those are good actions but they don’t always change things internally. And I have been afraid that I can do those things for the rest of my life without an internal change. What a terrifying prospect. I have been trying to do the right things because I do have a responsibility to change things – only I can make that choice – but it feels like a futile attempt. So I have been struggling – first with struggling, then struggling because I am struggling.

In the midst of a scary event, a bad night, and a lonely morning yesterday, sobs came. At a time where most people were enjoying a day off work courtesy of the weather, I was not. It felt like I was in physical circumstances that mirrored the internal circumstances of my heart. Desolate. Alone. Trapped. And disappointed with God that I was in this place again. As angry as I was to be there again, the tears were cathartic. As much as I wanted to be strong when Joa called to say hi, it was better to be honest.

Then something wonderful happened. God showed up in a very tangible way to me. He spoke to me through His Word – which hasn’t happened in awhile, not because He is not speaking, but because I haven’t been hearing lately. He reminded me of something very simple. That maybe part of what I was missing was not doing one more thing, but going back to the beginning. Just as I placed my faith and trust in God to save me, I need to daily place my faith and trust in God. To believe and trust He loves me, that He is working even when I don’t see it, and that He truly has a good plan for my life. To believe that even in the midst of struggles and confusion He is bigger than me or my sins or my mistakes. To believe that even (and especially) when I don’t know the way out, He does.

So once again, I choose to believe my God. I choose to trust Him. I choose to look at circumstances through the eyes of faith not to see what I am missing but to see what He has already provided. And that doesn’t instantly change or fix everything, but that also never leaves me disappointed.

Here are the verses, in case you are interested.

Psalm 40:1-2 “I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of a slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and have me a firm place to stand.”

1 John 4:16-18 “So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as He is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”