Peace and Perspective

That is what I am praying for these days.

It’s felt like a rough couple of months, maybe in particular a rough couple of weeks lately. I have realized I am an anxious person. That sounds silly to say. How could I not know that before? I always knew; I just liked to hide it and stuff it. Or rationalize that because everyone else is anxious too, I am really “normal” and don’t need to change this. Both ploys don’t work so well. In fact, it usually ends up keeping you up at night or waking you up early in the morning. Then the lack of sleep feeds into the craziness and makes everything spiral downward.

It’s been a time of internal transition for me. God wants to do something deeper. And as a somewhat mature Christian of many years, this should be a thing of joy for me. After all, it’s what I say I want, right? Growth and maturity so that I may continue to please the Father who loves me abundantly, so that I may walk in His will.

But He wants to go deeper than I want to go. He wants to go to scary places I would rather not be. He wants to bring up things I have tucked safely away in hopes of never seeing them again. He wants to address areas that I don’t want addressed.

It shakes me. It makes me want to try to control my surroundings even more. It makes me want to find security in my circumstances. And my circumstances, relatively, are good. But there is no peace in them because they are always changing.

Why is my first response to something new God is doing fear and running? He is like a surgeon wanting to cut the cancer out that is killing me, but I am too afraid of the knife to let Him. Why do I think it is all about the knife? The knife is simply changing circumstances that God wants to use in my life. I should not be concerned with the knife and wondering what it is all about – I should be concerned with the surgeon. Is he trained in this specific area? Is he dependable? What is his track record for good results? And I ask those things about my Surgeon. Is He faithful? Yes. Does He love me? Yes. Is He capable? Yes. Can I trust Him? Yes. Does He want the best for me, and does He know what that is? Yes and Yes. Will He give me what is good? Yes. Sometimes His good hurts. Sometimes His good doesn’t always mean answered prayers and happy endings. But can I trust Him even when I don’t understand? Yes. Has He proven Himself and His love to me? Yes, a million times over.

I want to trust Him with whatever knives He chooses to use in my life. I want to remember this is more about Him and who He is than what currently happens to be going on in my life (though He certainly cares about those things). This is the perspective I must hold tight to and this is the peace that I pray for. For you and for me.