"I just want to go back to Dallas"

"I just want to go back to Dallas" Nicolas sobbed, big tears streaming down his face. 

"I understand. I miss it too. What do you miss about Dallas?" I asked, hoping to help him feel empathized with and understood. 

"It's just better than Recife." 

"What is better?" 

"It's just better. Recife is bad."  

The conversation deteriorates from here. He lists everything we have here, everything he likes, everything he is happy about and he starts calling it bad, saying he doesn't like it. 

It would be heartbreaking if I didn't understand the meaning behind it. And I know its real meaning because I might have been known to say, in a much more adult-let-me-say-something-I-don't-like-but-hide-it-better way, the exact same thing he is saying. 

The kids have done so well in so many ways in our move here. I know this move is in some ways an easier transition for them because of their age, but I also know we have asked a lot of them. So when last week we started hearing this more and more - especially after he was actually upset about something else - it was a good reminder to me that no matter how well the kids have adjusted, they will have their own struggles too. 

Sometimes it really is the last straw that breaks the camel's back. Anytime Nicolas says he just wants to go back to Dallas, it is preceded by something else he is upset by. His plate is at the wrong spot on the table, his favorite shorts are dirty, the bathroom he wants is currently in use and he doesn't want the one that is free. These are very small things to me, but after all we have asked of the kids, these are monumental things to Nicolas. And it's that last huge little thing that he just can't take, and the tantrums come on strong. 

I've unfortunately had my fair share of adult tantrums here about very "small" things, unimportant to normal sane people who are not adjusting to another country, culture, and language. I'm trying so hard, and in many ways "adjusting well" by measurable standards. But then along comes that one last thing that is just too much for me to handle on top of everything else. I'm so embarrassed by the last little thing that set me off, but it wasn't really the last little thing, it was a string of multiple things multiple days in a row that finally set me off. 

During those times, I'm tempted just like Nicolas to say "I want to go back to Dallas". But what I think I really mean, like I think he really means, is - it felt safer. It had less stressors, less changes, less transitions to navigate. It was known, it was familiar, and it was comfortable. God had us there for a wonderful season, and then it was time to move on. In ways I didn't understand then, it was too comfortable. I rarely went outside my comfort zone, and that was not a good thing. In some ways I was thriving but in other ways, I was restless and stagnant, and longing for a God sized change I couldn't create on my own, no matter how hard I tried. 

Nicolas and I will still have days while we say out loud or in our head "I just want to go back to Dallas". There are still people and things we miss there, no matter how much we adjust to Recife. But God no longer has us in Dallas. Sometimes I am sad about that, because it was our home for 12 years. But I'm also incredibly grateful for His change in bringing us here - not only for joining Him in the work He is already doing here, but also for the work He is doing in our hearts. It's hard and it's beautiful. It's necessary pruning. In Dallas, I almost never stepped out of my comfort zone even if I wanted to because I wasn't quite brave enough. In Recife, I live outside my comfort zone. My comfort, my preferences, my perceived safety are daily accosted by the many differences here. I was never brave enough to choose to live that way in Dallas, and there are days I still fight it here. But I know He is using the circumstances to give me exactly what I need in Him. Ultimately, that is really what I want - what He deems best for me, not what I deem best for myself.